I'm 42 and pregnant! 10/22/18

In the last couple of months, I have dreamed of either being pregnant or having had a child, over a dozen times. Just a few nights ago, I had two entirely separate dreams in one night where both occurred; meaning, in one of the dreams I was pregnant, and even said out loud, "I'm 42 and pregnant!" and in the other, I gave birth to a baby girl prematurely. She initially had a lot of health issues but as the dream progressed, she got healthier and stronger. That dream was the strangest of all of the baby dreams I've ever had because it was the first time that I dreamed of having a baby girl. Every single one of my previous dreams of giving birth involved boys. Even in dreams where I was just seeing babies, the babies were boys...

I've spoken before about recurring dreams, and how they have changed over the years depending on what I had going on at the time. I don't believe recurring dreams are coincidences. I believe they are a reflection of where my life is currently and/or a result of my thinking or feelings. This baby theme, however, I'm having trouble deciphering. I cannot get pregnant now, and, if I'm honest, I don't want to have a baby. So what is this about?

I did say in my last post that my lifestyle has changed quite a bit and it's been consistent for three weeks straight, and that I don't even recognize my new thought pattern regarding this lifestyle. Maybe that's what this is about. Maybe my dreams are trying to tell me about a new beginning in my life. Maybe the baby is finally a girl because it represents me finally coming into my new self. Struggling at first, but getting stronger and healthier. I don't know. It'd be cool if that is the case. How 'bout I just proclaim that to be the case? Yes. Consider it proclaimed :).

My husband and I went to look at model homes yesterday to kill some time during our long wait to get into Milk & Honey in Bowie, MD (total waste of money by the way) and we fell in love with one of the houses. When we were done looking at it, the agent asked what we thought about it and we said we liked it. She said it was a great home for couples of all ages, whether starting a new family or retiring. She said it'd be great for kids to run around in. We both blurted out, "Oh no, we're done! Our kids are 24, 19 and 18!" and her eyes grew into saucers in shock at that statement. She said we looked young, like we didn't even have kids yet. That felt pretty cool :). Did I ever tell y'all that when I first got this job two years ago, one of my new co-workers recognized my husband and me from our morning commute on the MARC train, and that she was shocked to find out my age? She said she thought my husband and I were college students LOL! To be fair, my husband and I dress mad bummy and casual, so...it could just be that :).

Today, I'm wearing a new Finger Paints polish I just bought from Sally's yesterday (buy two get one free) as well as a KBShimmer topper that I love with all my heart.

Finger Paints Cosmic Chaos & KBShimmer Take It Or Leaf It
Indoors - office lighting

Finger Paints Cosmic Chaos & KBShimmer Take It Or Leaf It
Indoors - with flash

Cosmic Chaos is way more holographic in the bottle than on the nail as you can see in the flash photo. I'm not happy about that, but it does look good under Take It Or Leaf It. I want to try the topper over a royal blue or a lighter squishier purple in the near future. We'll see.

That's all I have for now...

Until next time, be blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

Dreams & Other Stuff 10/18/18

When you have nothing to write about but you decide to write anyway...

I had a dream a couple of nights ago that my sister was going to kill me. I've never had a dream like that before - correction: I've had plenty of dreams where someone was trying to chase me down and kill me, but never a sibling. She led me down to this pit in the ground, told me that what was about to happen was going to help me, and told me to lie down. She then proceeded to cut my face - but then she stopped, apologized over and over, and I asked her, "Wait, were you about to KILL ME?!?!" She responded that she was, but couldn't go through with it, and then she ran away crying. I got up and was left with my mouth open, in shock, holding my gashed face, not believing what just happened. Not understanding how I didn't even resist her attempt to kill me. Super weird. 

Several years ago, I dreamed that I killed someone and and hid his body in a dumpster. The whole dream, I felt deep fear and dread at being found out. I was sick to my stomach the entire time and even woke up feeling ill. I have no idea why I killed him either. The dream felt so realistic. I have had a tendency to hold onto guilt for even the small not-great things I've done. I'd be a certifiable mess if I ever killed someone. There's no way I could survive that. I'd have to turn myself in or off myself.

Well that went downhill fast...

I'm 19 days into a new lifestyle change. They say it takes 21 days to make something a habit. Let's see if that's true. I haven't been recognizing some of my thinking recently since beginning the lifestyle. I've been saying things like, "Who even ARE you?" to myself...and it's interesting...

I'm wearing a really lovely polish from Different Dimension called Fortune Favours The Brave. It's SO fall. I also added KBShimmer Take It Or Leaf It to my ring finger. I can't wait to play with this topper some more. 

Different Dimension Fortune Favours The Brave/KBShimmer Take It Or Leaf It

Different Dimension Fortune Favours The Brave/KBShimmer Take It Or Leaf It

Ain't they yummy together? I know.

Lastly, I have to mention two IG accounts that have brought me much happiness lately. One is: TonyBakerComedy, and the other, IAmDulo, is a very new discovery, thanks to my son, Jay Rojas, who absolutely loves to laugh just like his mama :). I Am Dulo does also does what Tony Baker does but with a super heavy Nigerian accent LOL! I love it so much! If you love animal voice-over videos, these guys are the best! 

That is all I have for now.

Until next time, be blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

Confessions Of A Polishaholic

I've been avoiding writing...on purpose...

So, I'd been doing really well with not purchasing polish for a while there...and then my birthday came so...I bought a few things...and then a few more things here and there days after my birthday. I think I'm done now...

I've made a wish list of polishes that I would like to have but that I'm resisting purchasing. I keep the list in its own tab on my Excel workbook of polishes. This is what's on it as of today:

CHINA GLAZE     AUT-UMN, I NEED THAT

CHINA GLAZE     CENTRAL PARKA

CHINA GLAZE     MUSTARD THE COURAGE

CHINA GLAZE     PAY IT FASHION FORWARD

MOON SHINE MANI        1-800-DRUIDIA

MOON SHINE MANI        HELLO, MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA

MOON SHINE MANI        MAGNI BRONZEBEARD

MOON SHINE MANI        MOLTEN CORE

MOON SHINE MANI        MORE COWBELL

MOON SHINE MANI        SO FREAKIN' EXCITED!

MOON SHINE MANI        TRUE LOVE

MOON SHINE MANI        WHO ORDERED ALL VEGETABLES?

NINE ZERO          ARMOS

NINE ZERO          ASTRAL

NINE ZERO          BLUEBERRY ACAI

NINE ZERO          DRAGONFRUIT FREEZE

NINE ZERO          KIWI CRUSH

NINE ZERO          NEBULA

NINE ZERO          OCTOROK

NINE ZERO          PEAHAT

NINE ZERO          PINEAPPLE PUNCH

NINE ZERO          POMEGRANATE REFRESHER

NINE ZERO          ROBIN'S EGG

NINE ZERO          SWAMP THING

I've been purposely avoiding the majority of the indie polish world because I'm sure if I didn't, this list would be so much longer. I even have a dear friend going to Polish Con this year who has offered to shop for me, but I legit have zero idea what will be there and that's a GREAT thing as far as I'm concerned.

I experienced something recently that really disturbed me because I don't remember if I've ever experienced such a thing before, at least not to the extent that I did this time. For some ridiculous reason, I'd decided to check out Polish Pickup last Friday. I usually avoid that place like the plague because it's dangerous (to my wallet). Luckily, I'd only seen two polishes on the whole site that I really liked. As I was checking out, one of the polishes had sold out and I about LOST.MY.DANG.MIND!!! Let me tell you, the pit of dread and upset that sat in my stomach as a result of missing out on that polish was one I literally could not recall ever having in association with a nail polish before, and it concerned me. I was so utterly pi&&ed that I almost didn't buy the other polish. I was literally physically sickened by missing out...

I revisited the site and watched the listing go from "Sold Out/Unavailable" to "Coming Soon!" and hope sprang anew. I reached out to a friend about this and she said it was not likely that the polish would return because PPU has a rule about "capped" polishes becoming "uncapped" later. I scouted the PPU group to see if anyone was saying anything about it, but saw nothing. Sigh. My hope was crushed and I barely made it through the rest of my day without feeling totally bummed...

When I woke up the next morning, I noticed a message from a dear polish friend on Facebook telling me that the polish was back!!! Before I even responded to her with my gratitude, I went to the site and picked up TWO bottles! I was so incredibly happy! I, of course, profusely thanked her for letting me know. She was so sweet, too, saying that she didn't want to enable me or anything, but that she'd noticed my post in the group that I'd missed out and she thought I'd like to know. If it weren't for her, I never would have thought to go back to the site after being told that there was no way it could come back. I was really trying to put the thing out of my mind! 

Look, I've gotten excited about finally possessing a polish I've wanted, but to feel the kind of anger and disappointment and regret I felt at missing out on that polish was unprecedented. I remember being upset when I missed out on New England Escape from Colores De Carol last year (which I ended up getting later on), but that was a different kind of upset. It was an upset borne of "injustice." I was new to PPU at the time and didn't think it was right or fair to allow the concept of "capped" polishes on a site that was open for four days to give people the chance to shop at their leisure (in my mind). I was a lil' indignant in my ignorance, too. I'm embarrassed about that. This time, I wasn't even mad at PPU or the maker or anything. I was mad at MYSELF for my indecision, for scouting the pages of the site two and three times after adding my items to "make sure" there was nothing else I wanted - and for some reason, I always freakin' forget to read the entire listing to see what's capped and what isn't. Even after the drama of New England Escape, I still forgot. Sigh. 

Anyway, the experience has renewed my resolve to avoid PPU in the coming months. I can't deal with that drama again. And I need to return to my commitment to improving my financial health. I've doubled my monthly deposit into my investment account and am optimistic about the future. 

My dear polish friend and I also had a discussion about the ups and downs of what really boils down to polish addiction - and make no mistake, it IS an addiction. 

• When you know you should stop buying it because you'll likely never wear what you're about to purchase for months if not years to come, if EVER, but you still buy it: you're addicted. 
• When 50 to 75 percent (if not more) of the balance on your credit cards is due to polish spending, and/or you max out your card(s) on polish: you're addicted.
• When you have unpaid debt or bills, but delay putting money toward them to instead buy polish: you're addicted. 
• When you've already got hundreds if not thousands of polishes in your collection and you've yet to wear 50 to 75 percent of them (if not more), and yet you buy even more: you're addicted.
• When you can't buy food or medicine or clothes because you've spent all of your money on polish: you're addicted.
• When you purposely plan ahead of time to forgo food, medicine, clothes, whatever to buy polish: you're addicted.
• When your emotions are actually affected by your inability to buy new polish on credit or cash (depressed, angry, feeling like you're missing out), the ability to buy, and/or the act of buying new polish (excited, anxious, heart-racing, etc.): you're addicted.

She mentioned that there should be a support group for it and that she'd join if it existed, but I had to wonder: what would really be the point? 

Unlike alcoholism and drug addiction, this kind of addiction is not only celebrated, but also fully supported and even encouraged - and certainly never stigmatized. You might be judged by some people for having hundreds if not thousands of bottles of polish, but how many people ever say, "Wow, how much of your (or your husband's) money did you waste on all of that nail polish?" Not many. In fact, polish hoarding and overbuying is almost "cute" in polish collectors' circles. Things like, "Oops, I might have gotten a little carried away this shopping trip!" accompany pictures of a shopping cart with a dozen polishes totaling over $100. Or, "Just take all my money!" is the response when a new collection releases. All responded to with things like,"The struggle is real LOL!" Or, "I think I got you beat this time around!" Or, "You're so lucky!" Or, "You/I NEEEED this polish!" Or whatever. I know this because I've said such things. All cutesy and excited and saying I feel bad but not feeling bad at all. Feeling that rush of excitement and anticipation at getting new pretties drowns out the regret and shame that would surely follow if I really took a second to consider what that money could have been saved for instead. 

It's easier to ignore the truth of the damage I've done, too, when I avoid looking at the credit card statement, avoid taking an actual account of the dollar figure attributed solely to polish spending. I've shared on YT my experience with discovering that I'd spent nearly $1,000 on nail polish in a month without even blinking. I was utterly disgusted by, and deeply ashamed of my irresponsibility. And yet weeks later, I was at it again. Off and on the polish wagon I'd go, month after month, year after year since 2011. 

Something I quickly discovered after slowing down on polish buying is that the money saved is often not saved at all - but rerouted to something else. There's this weird attraction to the act of spending that finds its way back in now and then, leading me back down the path of fiscal irresponsibility. 

Then there's the recent discovery about a person I was following on YT for tips on financial responsibility. I decided to find and follow her on Instagram, too, and became confused by all that I was seeing. The things she was sharing led me to believe that she followed very little if any of the advice she shared on her YT channel (and it irked me). But maybe that's an unfair assessment. Maybe she's just way richer than I am, so she can afford to do what she does without batting an eyelash. Nevertheless, who she was on Instagram was entirely different from how I perceived her to be in her videos. I literally started to resent her...but then I realized the real problem: I was jealous. I've never been jealous of someone's life before, but I was jealous of hers - and I didn't like it. 

Today, I'm in a better overall state of mind with regard to that discovery, and about polish spending - and spending in general - but I could still do way better. I am determined to find the path to success, and believe that I will absolutely find it, with God's help.

Until next time, be blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

My Son, Music, Maryland Live!, Mario & Memories

It's been a while, huh?

Sorry.

I realized something this week: since my break from social media, I haven't lusted for polish as much as I used to. I still watch some YouTube videos, but for some reason, they don't trigger me like the IG photos and FB posts about polish did...hmm...

Having said that, there are still a few new polishes I would like from Colores De Carol and Moon Shine Mani. But I'm not chomping at the bit to get at 'em (at full price that is LOL). I wish I could get a birthday code for like 50 percent off or something. That would be nice :).

I've made a drastic change to my diet recently. I don't think I'm ready to talk about it yet, but, it's happening...

I'm currently sipping on cold green tea that my beautiful husband brewed for me last night. It has no sugar in it, but I put in some lime. I think unsweetened green tea with lime is my second favorite beverage next to water with lime. And when I say lime, I mean FRESH-SQUEEZED lime, not that garbage that comes in a plastic bottle or lime-shaped container. That stuff is gross. I hear lemon water is better for you, so I will be drinking lemon water/tea while at home, but at work, where I spend more time, ya girl is drinking her lime water/tea!

This past Tuesday, I found out when I got home that my son (Jay Rojas Twitter / Jay Rojas Instagram) and his band, Top5 (Top5DC Twitter / Top5DC Instagram) were going to be at Maryland Live! Casino for a birthday bash concert - my SON'S birthday! I'm usually way too tired after work, but this Tuesday, I had plenty of energy and was ready to go! And OH.MY.GAWSH!!! I had an AMAZING time! The music was every kind of nostalgic and wonderful and so much fun! There was also a special guest appearance by David Correy (David Correy Twitter / David Correy Instagram), whose voice is absolutely AMAZING! My son had flown to LA to play the guitar for one of David's gigs, or a studio session - I don't remember - a few months back and he was so appreciative, that he decided to honor my son with his presence, and sang a couple of songs.

I also met Mario's (Mario on Twitter) brother, DJ, and his father, Derryl, who introduced me to his daughter, AB (I believe her name is April, but that's how he refers to her :)) who is also pursuing a music career. He was extremely fun and social. Here are some crazy facts:

• Derryl used to work for UPS and my husband REMEMBERED him from his route in his parents neighborhood when he was a teenager! He used to wave at him while playing basketball! Crazy!!
• The song, "You Should Let Me Love You," by Mario was the very first song my husband Jay and I ever danced to together, and, I consider it a kind of "theme song" to our early relationship.
• My son has played the guitar for Mario.

I loved to hear all of the positive things people had to say about my son; David, Derryl, DJ and AB all had great things to say about how goodhearted and supportive my son is, and his band mates really celebrated him, too.

It was such a joy, as a mom, to witness all of that celebration in honor of my son. It made me think about the fact that I've loved and wanted that boy since the second I found out he was cooking in my belly. I was 17 and still in high school but I didn't care! Not one day did I ever regret conceiving, carrying and giving birth to that boy. Not ONE! I walked across that stage at graduation exactly two months before he was born, grateful not to be a dropout or failure, like most teenage girls tend to be when pregnant. He was loved so hard by all of us: ME, my mom, his dad's mom, my sister, brother, their friends - shoot, ANYONE who met my boy LOVED him! Not everyone can say they had that kind of start in life...he was and is truly blessed. I hope he knows that!

And it's no wonder he has such a love of music. Music was my LIFE back then. I was a school-choir girl; music stayed in my ear all day every day. I listened to it at home, in cars, didn't matter. I loved music. Now, though? I can do without it most days. I think it's been this way since probably my early 30's. Not sure what changed. What's funny is that at about the same time, my son was just about coming into his interest in, and tapping into his secret talent for, the guitar. He is 100 percent self-taught, too, and it just blows me away...

Anyway, it was an exciting evening! I got maybe one hour of sleep that night and still got to work on time the next morning:).

Other tidbits:

• Work has been busy-busy-busy!
• I'll be 42 in five days (8/29).
• I am still deciding what to buy myself for my birthday - if I buy myself anything at all this year....it's usually polish or a purse (and sometimes both LOL!) but we'll see :). 

I think you're all caught up now!

Until next time, be blessed!

XOXOXO -  Jess

Breaking From Social Media/New Nail Shape/Sally Hansen Metro Midnight

I made the decision to take a break from social media a few days ago: from Instagram and Facebook mostly. I'm barely on Twitter anyway, but I won't be sharing my new blogs to it like I was doing previously. I won't go into why I did this. I barely even know really. I just needed to step away and give my eyes a rest from those sites. I even deleted the apps from my phone to avoid temptation.

On Friday, I decided to reshape my nails. They're now somewhat almond-shaped? I only did it to my left hand because you need a little length in order to make it work. I'm waiting for the nails on my right hand to grow out before doing the same to them, though knowing me, I'll be sick of this shape before that happens. In the meantime, my Cinderella nails are squoval - yes, squoval. The last time I spoke about them, I'd rounded them out, but then I changed them back about a week or two later.

I spent all day out and about enjoying my husband yesterday. I'd taken my polish off on Thursday night to paint my nails on Friday, but I ended up just going naked for the entire day - I NEVER do this! Here's a picture of my newly shaped naked nails, flaws and all:

Naked Nails

I've never been able to leave the house with naked nails and NOT come back home with peeling or chips on my nails. However, since I went back to using Simply Pure Nail Oil, my nails have been doing great. They survived the entire day with zero issues, and I didn't feel like I had to be super extra careful with them either, which is crazy.

While we were out, I got the idea to stop at Rite Aid to look for Metro Midnight from the Sally Hansen Miracle Gel line. My husband drove me all around town a couple of weeks ago looking for this polish at CVS's only, because I wanted to use Extra Bucks. No luck. They simply didn't carry it. Yet my first and only visit to a Rite Aid - right by my house no less - was victorious! There was only one left, too! I ended up getting 20 percent off during Rite Aid's Friends and Family sale. I still paid more than I would have if I could have used EBs, but I don't regret it.

This polish is opaque in two coats, but, I like the color better in three, so that's what I did. I also accented my thumb and ring fingers with Colores De Carol's Camellia, which looks gorgeous over this slightly mauvey lilac holographic. I NEED Sally Hansen to create an entire collection or three of holographics in all kinds of colors: olive, dark blue, light blue, deep purple, orange, deep green, and so on and so forth. This shade is super chic, though I can't say it's good for all skin tones. It very barely looks decent on my light, neutral, olive skin, but I LOVE her anyway.

Sally Hansen Miracle Gel Metro Midnight - Natural Daylight
Colores De Carol Camellia on Top of Ring Finger

Sally Hansen Miracle Gel Metro Midnight - Natural Daylight
Colores De Carol Camellia on Top of Ring Finger

Sally Hansen Miracle Gel Metro Midnight - Indoors with Flash
Colores De Carol Camellia on Top of Ring Finger

As I said before, this polish is impossible to find in CVS stores, but I've heard several people mention finding it at Rite Aid and even Kmart. Ulta is also selling it on their website. I love when a mainstream brand goes out of their comfort zone and does something like this. It might not be special to more experienced polish connoisseurs, particularly those of us who frequently shop indie polish, but for Sally Hansen, it's special, and I'm happy to have her in my collection.

Until next time, Be Blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

Rainbows And Unicorns...8/8/18

Today is my wedding anniversary. My husband and I have been married for eight years...it feels nowhere near that long...

In spite of the fact that we're two incredibly different people with different mindsets, interests, patience levels, backgrounds and upbringings, I look at him and see the very extension of my being... like, he IS me and I AM him...and yet I don't feel like we've known each other since 2004, been a couple since 2007, been married since 2010. He still feels new and foreign - I still can't believe that he's my husband - and yet he's so very familiar. Does that make any sense?

It's weird. I don't consider people property, and I certainly don't treat them that way (anymore), but I look at my husband and all I can think is, "Mine!" And yet, some days, I look at him and I'm like, "Is this my husband for real? This beautiful, kind, hilarious, sexy, loving and affectionate man actually chose to marry me and chooses to stay with me every day? How did I get so blessed?"

This man makes me laugh hysterically at least once every single day; I don't know how he does it. In my mind, he goes out of his way to do and say things to make me laugh. However, the other day when we were talking about how much fun we have with each other, he let me know that it's second nature to him; that he barely even thinks about it anymore, it just happens. He loves my laugh, too. I don't like it, and I've encountered people in public who were super annoyed by it, but when he sees that, he just makes me laugh even more. He thinks it's hilarious to further annoy people who, in his mind, are just bitter because they can't laugh like I do LOL!

I don't mean to paint this rainbows-and-unicorns-picture of my marriage. It's just that at the end of the day, the good always outweighs the bad. We forgive each other quickly. We touch, kiss, play and say we love each other every day. We still say please and thank you. We do little things for each other and consider each other. We enjoy each other's company and don't take it personally when we would prefer to be alone sometimes to do what we like to do, watch what we like to watch. Our tastes in TV are SO different. His interests are far more varied than mine, I tend to repeat watch movies and stick to only certain kinds of shows. But, we do sometimes come together to watch trash shows like 90 Day Fiance and Married At First Sight. I know, don't judge us! Oh, and as for non-trash shows we love to watch together, there's MasterChef, MasterChef Junior, some game shows (I really love Family Feud!) and The Walking Dead, yes! Not trash, just good :).

In short, we adore being together, yet respect each other's individuality. I love that about us.

Happy Eighth Anniversary to US! I pray we have infinity more!

Until Next Time, Be Blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

Addicted To Woody...Plus Weird Things...8/1/18

So what's been keeping my chin down and any interest in normal every day life activities to an absolute minimum? This game called Woody. It's like an unforgiving game of Tetris with no undo's, save-for-laters or idea of what three pieces you're going to get next. I have no idea what attracts me to this extremely unpleasant game, but it's what's been occupying way too much of my time these days.

My daughter is home from school for three weeks. We drove up to New York last Friday to get her. On the way back, we stopped in Scranton, PA, cuz, The Office, but there's really no Office-related stuff to see there. We ended up eating at a diner called Sharon's Place, where we split a single three-egg omelet between the three of us, because, we're not vegan anymore, apparently, but still don't care to make eggs and meat the focus of our lives. We also had our own servings of home fries and pancakes (husband had french toast). I only ate one of the two pancakes I was served because one was rubber and the other was perfect. My husband said his french toast tasted like "old shoe." The waitress told us they had a new cook who was still learning the ropes when she noticed one of my pancakes was completely uneaten. She took it off our check.

Now I'm thinking about pancakes...did I ever tell you that I really LOVE pancakes, but rarely get to eat them? Also, I'm really picky about them - I don't eat just any old random pancakes. They gotta be just right. How my fork sinks into a pancake tells me all I need to know about it's edibility. If I don't like my fork's report, it ain't going in my mouth.

Anyway, after the diner, we visited the Everhart Museum and then took a short hike on the Scranton Lake walking trail. I was a sweaty disgusting mess - listen, it really was extremely hot and humid, and I NEVER do anything outdoors but walk to and from modes of transportation in that kind of weather. The fact that I didn't whine and complain the entire way was really quite shocking - the fact that I didn't even think about wanting to whine and complain, even shockinger (yes, made up word). Even my husband was impressed with my participation in this unexpected torture - I mean, family activity. It was something he wanted to do and I just went with it, no complaints, just resolve to get 'er done ("'er" being the hike itself in case you didn't get what I was saying :)).

My sister was texting me all day yesterday, and the things she was saying to and about me felt foreign. I don't recognize this sister she says she has in me. You know, if you think about it, people don't really get to hear how other people feel about them very often - or maybe it's just my experience. But, to hear her speak, I'm really something special. To read that she actually misses being around me is just plain weird. I love and miss her, too, of course, but she's actually likable, so it makes sense.

I never think anyone wants to be near me - except for Jason, of course; but then again, I'm the possessor of the vagina he likes so much, so, you know, necessity. I'm kidding. He's been inexplicably obsessed with me since way before he had access to that. Then again, God jive-like created him specifically for me so that doesn't count.

Anyway, that's all I have for now :)

Until next time, stay blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

Solutions To Financial Problems

Today, I watched a video on YouTube titled, Kingdom Solutions To Financial Problems. It was truly life-changing...

This was after watching another video from the YouTube channel, The Financial Diet, on lazy ways to earn money...which was also life changing...7 Extremely Lazy Ways To Make More Money

In a small way, the two videos contradict each other. One promotes hard work and discipline (but mostly money management), the other is talking about, well, lazy ways to earn money. To be fair, the latter video is not meant to show you ways to earn a living, but rather, supplement the income you already make from working.

Anyway, the first video really opened my eyes to the ways in which I've been blocking financial growth, and it's entirely due to how I have mismanaged money. I mean, I've heard this in sermons for years, "How can God trust you with much when you can't handle the little He already gave you?" (or some variation of that), yet it never really clicked in my brain until watching that video. It really solves the mystery of living paycheck to paycheck. I highly recommend it to EVERYONE, Christian or not.

As a result of both videos, I decided to open an investment account today. That's something I've never had the courage to do before...but it's time.

For the last two and a half months, I've been reckless with my spending. Eating out two to three times a DAY, buying clothes, polish and whatnot. In fact, my husband and I added up how much we spent on eating out together in the last 24 days, and the total came to $698. THAT'S IN-FREAKING-SANE!!!!! The state of my financial and physical health have suffered the consequences.

Let's be honest: we have debt. We want to be debt free. So, what we've done is made a pact that when we get the urge to eat out or to buy anything that we really don't need, that we tell each other what it is and the amount, and then put that money toward bettering our finances instead. For example, I wanted to buy the China Glaze OMG collection from eBay...added it to my cart and everything. But instead of going through with the purchase, I put the money toward my new investment account.

I envy grownups who have parents with homes big, loving and welcoming enough to allow them to return should they need a break from huge living expenses. We just spoke to the son of a pastor whose church we were attending who told us that he, his wife and child were moving back home to save money to buy a bigger house for their growing family. What a huge blessing that is! - and smart, too.

People make fun of the Latino culture where there's like 20 people living in a house (exaggerating) but I tell you what, those households tend to never be short on cash. Everyone works and everyone chips in and nobody's broke and nobody's in debt. That has been my experience.

I can't live with a bunch of people because of I'm an introvert and terribly antisocial to boot, but if I had parents I could run home to for help, I absolutely would. The rent and utilities saved would actually make us debt free within a year. It's crazy but it's true...

I want to have that kind of home for my kids in this lifetime. I'd like to have a safe and loving home big enough to take them in if they wanted to return...if I'm honest though, it wouldn't matter the size of the home. If they're law-abiding and working, they're always welcome, whether they have to sleep on the floor, an air mattress - whatever! But I digress.

I really do hope you'll watch both videos if you're having financial problems. They're game-changers.

Until next time, BE BLESSED!

XOXOXO - Jess

Unfit For This World

I'm still at work, past quitting time, waiting on something because someone else didn't do what they were supposed to do all day. This always seems to happen on a Friday, too.

As I wait, I thought I'd check in. It's been too long since my last post.

I used to not care about politics, or the news in general, because it's always negative. Correction, there was a time in my life when I was deeply involved in what the news was saying about such and such, but I let it go years ago. However, it's a new day. And I don't like how upset what I'm seeing is making me.

My husband will tell you that one of the things I'm most passionate about is injustice. When things aren't fair, when people aren't held accountable for the things they do that, had someone ELSE done them, they absolutely would have been ripped into about, it IRKS me to no end. When one person is more severely chastised or punished for doing a fraction of what someone else does with absolutely NO consequences, ooh, man. I get fired up!!

It almost sounds childish of me to constantly rant in my own head, "It's not right! It's not fair! If it was such and such you never would have allowed it! When such and such did this y'all went bananas yet THIS GUY does THIS and you're giving him a pass? The HECK?!"

I can't...

I won't...

There were times when I feared death. I didn't understand what the anxiety was about for a long time, but then I meditated on it and realized what it was...the thing is, I'm not fit for this world. Plain and simple. I have these conversations with God about how and when I hope He'll take me. When I go, I want it to be in a way where absolutely no burden is left behind for my family. I want my passing to be financially and logistically easy on them. If I hit the lotto today, God could take me right after the check clears and I'll be happy. But I don't play the lotto, so...what if I did a "So God Can Take Me," Go Fund Me campaign? Would that work? LOL!

I don't mean to sound so dark. I promise there's not a lick of suicidal thinking in me. This world is just so nuts to me. Absolutely nuts. Upsetting. Unfair. EXHAUSTING. I really don't know how anyone can deal with it without a higher power to comfort and rejuvenate them.

That's all I have for now.

Until next time, be blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

OPI I Just Can't Cope-Acabana & To Be Or Not To Beagle & Mismatched Nail Action 7/11/18

I initially came here to blow off some steam before starting my day. I feel chatty yet I have no idea what I want to say. I just know that writing often calms me, therefore, here I is.

I'm currently wearing a truly stunning yellow from OPI called I Just Can't Cope-Acabana, which my husband selected from a wheel of OPI colors I gave him from which to choose for me. When he chose it, I was slightly disappointed (I don't love yellow), but as I continued looking through my OPI's, I spotted a topper that was gifted to me probably almost four years ago by a lovely lady named Hannah. I'd heard about and had seen the topper on videos but never actually wanted to buy it. It was crazy how hard I fell for this thing when it actually came into my possession though. It really makes a mani look like art! The first time I wore it, it was over a gray polish and that mani was just spectacular! But now look at it over this yellow! I mean, I can't even!!! Also, believe it or not, this is only two coats! The first coat was streaky, but the second went on nicely and evenly enough to stop!

OPI I Just Can't Cope-Acabana & To Be Or Not To Beagle - TWO COATS!

OPI I Just Can't Cope-Acabana & To Be Or Not To Beagle

You may or may not know this, but, the nails on my left hand are always longer than the ones on my right. That's because, well, the nails and cuticles on my right hand just don't behave the way the ones on my left do. The ones on my right hand peel more often and they grow way more slowly - probably because they peel more often! Nevertheless, I consciously keep them shorter, even when they are behaving well and growing nicely. I'm right-handed and I need at least one hand that I can work with easily; as a result, I'm probably a lot less careful when using it, too...

You should also know that I have a soft spot in my heart for rounded nails. However, my followers on IG much prefer my nails in the soft square or "squoval" shape, so I've been keeping my nails that shape for a while. I'll admit it's pretty and looks nicer in pictures, but there is something so comforting and nice about the round nail shape to me. Tuesday of last week, I had a thought: I already had somewhat mismatched nails in length, so why not give the nails on my right hand a different shape, too? So that's what I did! People hate it, or just don't prefer it, but I LOVE it. Seriously, it gives me warm fuzzy feelings. I think if I ever get to the point where I quit all social media, I'd keep them rounded. In spite of the fact that even my husband prefers them squoval!

ROUNDED NAILS!

So, there you have evidence of the cuticle mess that is happening to my right hand. It's so difficult to keep those things looking good, so I often resent my own right hand LOL! However, now that her nails are rounded, I love her again, despite her flaws :). To be fair though, this shape is much more sustainable in that it's much harder to break or split nails that are in this shape. Perhaps they'll grow and maybe even stop peeling now that they look like this. We shall see!

Am I the only one out here who likes to keep her nails two different lengths AND shapes?

Until next time, Be Blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

Dream 7/4/18 - 7/5/18 Cancer, Smoking & Judgment

I had trouble getting any sleep last night, yet somehow I was able to fit a short dream in...

My mom was in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery. When I got to her room she looked anxious and tense, her eyes bulging. She kept saying she needed to get home over and over again. I told her she couldn't go home yet because she couldn't be alone while in recovery. She kept insisting that she'd be fine, that she just needed to be home. I sat next to her and tried to calm her down, took her hand and asked her what was going on, and what was the urgency? She finally calmed down a bit and said to me, "I didn't want to tell you that I'm having withdrawal symptoms. I'm sorry." I immediately tried to comfort her and tell her she had nothing to be ashamed of, that it was probably due to the treatments and surgery she underwent, but then it hit me: what I'd just said didn't make any sense - and neither did what she said, at least not to me - and then suddenly I perceived the faintest odor of cigarette smoke. When these thoughts occurred and I smelled the odor, I wasn't quite looking at my mom - but then I did, and then my eyes started to bulge. "You're SMOKING again?! After all of this, you're SMOKING again?!"

Then I woke up.

So much of this dream, I'm sure, is influenced by my waking life because - and, I haven't shared this with you yet - my mom just had a bilateral mastectomy after undergoing several months of intense chemotherapy. She is now cancer free and recovering from the surgery she had just last week. She used to be a smoker, but as far as I know, she hasn't smoked in years.

I've had so many dreams as an adult where I've confronted my mom about hiding bad behavior from me - it's so funny that I have repeated dreams of my mom hiding bad behavior from me LOL! Like I'm her mother or something. Anyway, it's usually the same two things she does in these dreams: 1. She gets back together with my abusive alcoholic stepfather (she left him when I was 16 and was officially divorced about two years later. I'm about to be 42 next month, yet, the most recent occurrence of this dream happened just weeks ago). And 2. She starts smoking again.

I guess of all of the things my mom has done in her life, those are the two things I judged her the hardest about. She was an alcoholic, too, but, I was so much younger when that was a real thing, and, it didn't affect or haunt me like her relationship choices and her smoking did. See, the guy she dated and lived with after my stepfather was also an abusive alcoholic. She's remained relatively single for most of her life after that second loser was deported, but she's had little guy friends here and there...and every single one of them sent up mucho red flags that she'd ignore until absolutely impossible to do so any longer.

As for her smoking, well, I blamed her smoking for my nearly losing one of my sons due to repeated respiratory infections, and for my having to move out on my own way sooner than I was ready to, at 23 with two kids that I desperately wanted to keep alive.

From reading the last sentence it might sound like I resent my mom or something, but I actually don't. I mean, I did, yeah, for years, but then I got saved so...😊 It really was for the best that I moved out when I did, or I may not have been able to figure out how to live independently. And, I haven't had any real beef with my mom since my late 20's. I wholeheartedly forgave her.

So that's it for me. If you care to share, I'd love to know if you have any recurring dreams yourself, and if you've figured out what they might be saying about your subconscious thoughts and whatnots :).

Until next time, be blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

Overwhelmed By Polish 6/29/2018

I went through my polishes this week and sold 20 of them last night. I also tossed another dozen or so in my destash pile. What's weird is that I've been holding on to several polishes from Sally Hansen's Triple Shine line thinking I loved and needed them. Over and over again I'd look at them and decide I couldn't part with them - this has been going on for months - and yet last night, I tossed every single one into the bin. No regrets. They almost disgusted me.

What in the world?

I want to have that feeling again and often when it comes to my polish. My excuse for keeping so many of them is, "I might want to wear that color in the future!" I say that even about the polishes that I pass over time and time again when trying to decide what to wear next. Oh, and another excuse is, "But I haven't worn it yet! I can't get rid of it until I've at least tried it on!" The quick fix for that could very well be to just swatch it on my bare nail and decide right then and there. But I very rarely test-swatch on my own nails. I don't enjoy repeat-removing polish. It's abusive. I sincerely appreciate the girls who do that for us on Youtube, but ya girl ain't having it. There's a reason I almost never break a nail. I will say though that on Tuesday night, I did swatch on my bare nails a bunch of the sugar-textured polishes from Sally Hansen before deciding which ones to purge. I started with 18 and kept only three. That particular texture looks best in jewel-toned colors, but the one Sugar Shimmer I kept was a light mint. I loved the way it looked on me.

I have eight Helmers full of polish, and my overflow is in storage boxes on top of the them. My dream is to get down to just one Helmer drawer...that would be amazing. I'd have to quit Youtube, I think. Let's face it, I kind of already have, haven't I? I just haven't been in the mood to film. The mere thought is dreadful to me.

What is up with that anyway? I clearly still love polish, so much so that I never leave home without it, and I even enjoy writing about it from time to time! But talking about it on camera? No. Not right now. Talking at all on camera is just a NO for me right now. It feels like depression but I don't think that's what it is. I'm still figuring it out...

Anyway, until next time, STAY BLESSED!

XOXOXO - Jess

Dream & Revelation? 6/25/18

My sons and I were out swimming, at night. The moon was bright in the sky as was the light coming from the sandy shore, but the waters still looked quite dark. There was a wooden standalone pier not terribly far from the shore where the boys and I had stopped for a short break before heading back. From the shore, a woman sitting in a high lifeguard chair was watching and guiding us, ready to warn us if any scary creatures were nearby (the area was prone to small sharks). She could somehow see everything above and under the water from a screen she had in front of her. When she cleared us to start making our way back, Noah, my youngest son, started complaining that his arm hurt too much to swim. He was little, or at least talking like he was very little, like four, but in the dream he was actually eight. I asked him if he wanted me to pull him to shore and he shook his head no, but still complained that he couldn't swim on his own. I thought it was weird that he'd keep complaining about his arm but wouldn't let me pull him to safety. I kept trying to think of how I was going to get him to shore if he didn't want me to take him, and I started to panic. Someone ahead must have noticed our situation because all of a sudden, a little boat came toward us to pick him up, and a guy from inside the boat pulled Noah in. I let them and the guide ahead know that I still wanted to swim back - I don't remember if Jaylen swam back or got in the boat with Noah - and I did.

When we got home, Noah, again talking like a little toddler, said something to the effect that Jaylen must have forgotten my birthday because he planned to go out with his friends and was taking Noah with him. He seemed to be "tattling" on his brother, trying to make him look bad for forgetting my birthday, saying "I can't believe he forgot your birthday mom, and now he wants to take me with him!" Jaylen walked in and overheard him, and I could see that he was upset. I was sad about it because I knew it meant that he probably wouldn't take Noah with him, and if he did, he'd be mean to him. I then found myself almost chastising Noah for talking like a baby. I said he needed to stop talking that way because he was a, "Big boy now. You don't need to talk that way anymore, Noah, you're a big boy. You're mommy's big boy now." 

That's all I remember...

This dream was interesting to me because I've been thinking a lot about my Noah lately. When I talked about regrets in my previous post, and how I let them affect me now, they all have to do with Noah. I'm about to reveal my entire behind now when I say this, but, I wish I was a better mother to him. I feel like I cut him off from my affections too soon, and I dealt with him too harshly. I feel like he needed me just a little bit longer than I allowed him to cling to me, and that the distance hurt him. If I think about it too much, it still makes me cry. 

Noah was very advanced in his development growing up, physically and intellectually. He spoke very clearly and maturely from a very young age and was an extremely advanced reader, too. His comprehension was out of this world amazing for his age. He was very independent and could spend hours outside with his brother making friends in the neighborhood, but he'd always take little breaks from his play to come inside and cuddle with me. Hours and hours the boys would play outside and Noah was the only one who'd come in every couple hours to "check in," sit with me, hug me, tell me he loved me and then go back out.

He, and sometimes Jaylen, too, would sneak into bed with me in the middle of the night. I absolutely loved having the boys sleep with me. I'm sure that's normal for a single non-dating mom. We had an open door policy in my home. They could come in and out of my room whenever they pleased without knocking. They never had to ask for anything they wanted out of the pantry or fridge. They basically did whatever they wanted and I let them...

When we moved to Maryland, however, things changed. Jason was now in my life and boundaries had to be set. I wasn't living with Jason, but he kind of became a father figure to the boys and things changed dramatically. Apparently, my parenting style was a bit too...nonexistent? to him. There basically were no rules or limitations in my house before Jason came along, and now there were plenty. They could no longer come in and out as they pleased, mostly out of fear, because I wasn't sure it was as safe out there for them as it was in Virginia. Also, the open door policy to my room changed; they now had to knock. And the sneaking in to sleep with me also had to stop. 

Don't get me wrong, I did discipline my kids. Maybe too much - and maybe that's why I found it so easy to make things easy for them when I wasn't disciplining them. I guess it was my way of making up for how sternly I'd deal when them when I had to...I don't know. 

Anyway, like I said before, the regret comes from my kind of limiting Noah's access to me so soon, and for punishing him too harshly when he was out of line. He spoke and behaved so maturely but deep down, he was still a baby who needed his mommy. He needed the extra cuddles he got at night, or so I'd like to think and therefore beat myself up about...

But what if this dream is trying to tell me something? What if it's saying it was never up to me to "save" my currently-struggling Noah, who I'm always wishing I could save; that even though he may come to me with his pain or troubles, it's not up to me to make that pain or trouble go away? What if, in fact, Noah never wanted or expected that from me in the first place? Is God reminding me through this dream that Noah's troubles were and will always be resolved, but in His way, and in His time, and I'm just there to love and listen when Noah calls, not to fix? 

After all, Noah is my big boy now. His true Guide, Father, Mother and Friend is with him. He's going to be - no, he's ALREADY - okay.

Amen.

Until next time, Stay Blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

Thankfulness & Regret 6/21/18

I started out this post by throwing a lil' pity party. I shall not. I really don't want this blog to become a dumping ground for negative thoughts.

Let's focus today on 10 - yes, 10 - things I'm thankful for today. I literally just pulled that number out of nowhere.

1. My hair looks nice today.
2. God woke me up this morning with energy to start my day. No dragging of the feet necessary.
3. I had a beautiful, yummy bowl of spicy spaghetti for lunch that my husband made last night.
4. I have a husband who adores me and goes out of his way to make me laugh.
5. I have a great job where I'm well-regarded and well-compensated.
6. My three children are healthy and living and God is watching and protecting them.
7. I should mention I'm struggling here...umm...oh yeah! I have all 10 fingers and toes, two arms and legs that still work.
8. I still love to laugh and it's pretty easy for me to do so.
9. My mom's spirits are high in spite of all of the health problems she faces and the surgeries to come.
10. I have a nice car to drive and a very well air-conditioned roof over my head hallelujah Jesus!

Hey, that wasn't so bad. I know I could think of even more things to be thankful for if I spent a little more time. Like, I'm doing this devotional in the Bible app called Starting Over: Your Life Beyond Regrets because, um, I have allowed regret to make me feel a certain way over the years and I want to stop. Anyway, I recently learned the difference between spiritual and unspiritual regret. Like, there's the regret where you beat yourself up on a regular basis - ahem, throw pity parties - but still don't do anything differently. Then there's the regret where you learn from the mistake(s) you made and recognize that you can do better - and you work toward doing just that! The difference between those two is massive. One is surely an attack from the enemy and one is from the Holy Spirit, Who wants to guide you toward a better version of yourself.

Ok, for example, let's say you regret yelling at or cursing someone out. Godly regret will lead you to 1. Apologize to the person you yelled at, and 2. Do your best not to ever talk to anyone like that again. Ungodly regret will cause you to rehearse that thing over and over in your head and feel terrible about it - but also feel too prideful to apologize. Furthermore, the guilt and shame that continues to plague you festers in your spirit until it's even easier and easier for you to continue treating people that way because, as you well know, hurt people hurt people!

If I think about it, what sense does it make for me to have shame and regret about something I did years ago that I can't go back in time and undo, and for which I've apologized to the hurt parties, and for which I've received forgiveness from God Himself? My God wouldn't continue to bring something to my mind to make me feel bad about myself, especially not something I have absolutely no power to erase. All I CAN do is move forward and do better.

So that's the 11th thing I'm grateful for: that devotional in the Bible App. It's helping me to see regret in a very different way, and I needed that!!!

Until next time, Stay Blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

China Glaze Pack Lightly & Golden Enchantment

I have a ridiculously large collection of polishes. It's my fault, but due to the vast number of choices, there's a bit of a stress factor involved when the time comes to change up my manicure. So, what I often do is set my mind on a brand, and then go from there.

As you can see from the title, China Glaze was my choice this week. I'd only intended to use one polish, but then opted to add a topper to one nail. I often do this with creme polishes to kind of break up the monotony that is the creme polish finish to me. I chose a gold holographic glitter topper because there is supposed to be some really amazing copper shimmer in Pack Lightly. However, the glow you really wish was there, isn't, unless you really look for it in direct flash or sunlight. I thought that adding the gold glitter topper might bring it out or something, or at least complement the polish.

China Glaze's Golden Enchantment, by the way, is the gold version of their Fairy Dust, which used to be my most favorite scattered holo topper - until I discovered CND's Out the Door Hologram top coats. I had both the silver and gold versions, but I've sadly run out of them. The reason I prefer the latter is because they are thinner in consistency, don't dry out until they get to the very bottom, and  also double as my fast-drying top coats. The only con is you have to shake them up before each use, as the glitters sink to the bottom. The China Glaze offerings are equally beautiful and don't require shaking, however, they run quite thick, dry out quickly, and I still have to apply top coat to them after application.

Back to the mani - I don't quite like the look of the glitter in regular lighting (it looks kind of dirty). However, in direct light, it looks pretty, in my opinion:

China Glaze: Pack Lightly with Golden Enchantment on accent nail

My hands actually look that dark in some lighting (first picture), thanks to spending quite a bit of time in the sun last week and this past weekend. And when I say quite a bit, I mean, quite a bit for ME because ya girl avoids the sun like the plague. If I spend 20 minutes out that joint two days in a row, I'm gonna get some color. And last week, I spent over an hour on one day watching the parade in DC to celebrate the Caps winning the Stanley Cup, another day I went for a walk in it for another hour, and this past Saturday, I was in China Town in DC for a little bit with my beautiful husband and brother in law. 

Anyway, the first photo is a more true depiction of how it looks on me in normal lighting. I guess it's a peach color but it does run a bit more on the pink side on my skin. When adding the gold glitter, it turns it into a more pastel orange-peach. 

The formula on Pack Lightly was interesting. It applied so nicely and had a medium to thick consistency. However, this polish absolutely refused to self-level. So, after three coats, you can still see some dark/uneven spots if you look closely. I still really adore the color and don't regret buying, wearing or keeping it, as I do intend to do. Also, my ring finger actually only has two coats of Pack Lightly with two coats of Golden Enchantment on Top. 

What are some polishes you own that don't quite behave as they should, but that you can't bear to part with because you love the way they look on you so much? I have several in my collection for sure! 

Until next time, Stay Blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

CND Creative Play Nail Lacquer: Miss Purplelarity

So here goes another nail polish post...

My husband wanted to go to Gabe's on Wednesday, where I immediately targeted the nail polish section. It's been a few months since I've been there, but they do often have deeply discounted polish from varying brands. Last time, there were a lot of Sally Hansen Complete Salon Manicure polishes for something like $2.50 or $3.00, and some $5 kits with Sinful Colors polishes in them. This time, there were quite a few Essies for $3.99, mostly from the Fall 2017 collection. There were also some Julep polishes for $2.99! I've never seen Julep polish in a discount store before so that was really something. 

Then I ran across a brand I'd never heard of before - correction: I've heard of CND, of course! I've seen their polishes, used/use Out The Door, and I even have a small bottle of their Solar Oil on my bedside table (that I keep forgetting to use  :\) - I just didn't know about this Creative Play line from them - and they're only $1.99! They had a few shades, but the one that really stole my heart was a deep purple heavily packed with silver shimmer. The shimmer is so abundant, I can't tell if the base color is just a creme purple or a metallic purple. At the time I spotted this, I was wearing that bright neon pink from Nine Zero Lacquer that I LOVE, and yet I could not resist this deep beauty and could not wait to put her on!

It wasn't until I got her in the car that I looked to see what her name was, and what a name she has! I introduce you to the very stunning, very easy-to-apply, purple-lover's dream of a polish, Miss Purplelarity:

I mean...just look at her!!! And I'm not kidding about that name! Look!

I'd probably have spelled it Miss Purplarity for simplicity's sake, but that would have been sad because I adore the way this spelling looks :)

I was so desperate to get this color on last night before bed (would have put it on the same night but we got home so late) that I didn't even oil my nails after taking off the previous mani - HUGE NO-NO! Leaving that step out too many times between manis causes my nails to peel. The desperation continues: I only put on ONE coat of base coat - what?! Who even AM I? Anyway, I followed that that with two easy coats of color and one of a bubblegum scented top coat from Purple Willow Apothecary and I was done! This was probably the quickest mani I've done in years. I need a full 90 minutes most days to do my full pamper session and six to seven layers of polish. Last night however, I was done in maybe 30 minutes and only put on four layers total - it's unheard of really...

This polish did not disappoint. Like I said, they had several other shades there, a milky-looking neutral, some solid colors and even a shimmery teal, but this was the standout for me. I'm sure I have other purples this shade, but this finish and formula? I don't think so. I love this so much!

If you're reading this and you feel like it, I'd love it if you told me what your favorite purple polish of life is at the moment, or just the name of the last purple polish you wore. I feel a wave of consecutive purple manis coming on...but now that I've said it, it'll probably pass LOL!

Until next time, stay blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

Nine Zero Lacquer Watermelon Juice 6/13/18

Soooo...Nine Zero Lacquer has five new polishes out at the moment. Three polishes extending her Smoothie Bar line, which is a line of super beautiful crellies with black shard glitters in them, and two spaced-themed polishes. I IMMEDIATELY wanted to buy all of them. However, I'm trying to do better with my spending habits, so, I instead went into my NZL Helmer drawer and pulled out the three Smoothie Bar polishes that I already had, but that - you guessed it - I hadn't worn yet. I needed help deciding though, so I asked the husband to help, and he picked this one. He said, "That pink is poppin'!" which I thought was adorable :).

When I put the bottle up against my skin, I just knew that this was going to be an immediate destash. Not because it wasn't pretty on its own, but because when worn against my skin tone, it was doomed to be disastrous. But nah, yo...I don't care if anyone actually thinks it looks disastrous on me, because when I put that first coat on, I about lost my mind!

I mean, just LOOK AT IT!!!

First off, the formula was bangin'! Super perfect. I was able to get this perfectly even and opaque in two coats on eight of my 10 fingernails. For some reason, two nails on my right hand required a third...I must not have been paying attention to the thickness of the coat going on when I did those. It was so smooth and easy, I just assumed the amount of polish I had on my brush was enough to do the job. Secondly, most importantly, and lastly, I LOVED the way this color looked on my skin! It's a cooler-toned pink, and I have this bad habit of thinking that I have a warm skin tone. I don't. If anything, it's a weird neutral with olive undertones or whatevers. So, some cool-toned colors look pretty good on me, and, in my opinion, this is one of them. I think it helps that it has those black shards in it...it kind of tones down the punch-in-your-face-neon effect that this pink can have on the eyeballs. I literally cannot stop looking at my nails!



I don't know what's happening to me that I am falling in love with pinks lately. I had two love affairs with pinks last year and now this. What the heck? To add insult to injury, I watched a video from Jodi Loves Polish today where she reviewed an upcoming collection from Noodles Nail polish, and of all the beautiful things I saw, the one pink she showed called Aloha legit made my heart flutter. What the heck is this?!?! I have no idea....

And let's address the huge elephant in the blog: I thought I was going to concentrate on personal content here with only a sprinkling of polish here and there - and yet this is my third polish-related post in two weeks? That's out of six posts...that's half. Half the dang posts are nail polish!!!

I think writing about my individual manicures helps me appreciate what I have a little more, and make me not miss/lust after what I don't have as much. Who knows? I guess I don't care. I'ma do what I like, when I like, and how I like to do it...:).

Until next time, stay blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

Throwback Polish: Sally Hansen Diamond Strength: Bridal Shower 6/6/18

I was feeling a bit nostalgic the other day and set it in my mind that I must wear something older from my collection. I've had this polish for years - and yes, this was my first time wearing it. Sigh. It's embarrassing to admit just how many hundreds of polishes are sitting in drawers never having been worn. I also try my best not to repeat-wear anything in the same year. I used to have a rule not to repeat-wear anything ever until every single polish has been worn, but I've failed at that a couple of times, justifying the decision with the fact that I hadn't worn it in over a year. But how crazy is it that I can go a whole year and still not wear everything that I have in my collection? 

Anyway, this beauty was interesting to apply. The brush was narrower than what I'm used to from Sally Hansen, but still very workable. So, while it took a few more strokes than usual, it applied well. It was medium-thick in consistency and was very nearly perfectly opaque in one coat. I opted for two to ensure longevity. 

I may just be imagining it, but I think that adding top coat dulled down the color of this beauty a smidgen. I recall it being a bit brighter before top coat..hmm...anyway, the end result is still pretty and makes me feel like such a girl :) I also kind of love this bottle. It's so old school, I know, and the little gem is borderline if not entirely cheesy, but still: I love it!

What are some of your favorite throwback shades? 

Catalyst...Not 6/1/18

I often begin these posts without a title, because who knows what this joint will be about by the time I'm done with it?

Hubby and I went out in a rain storm last Sunday night to attend a church service that was supposed to be some kind of catalyst to spiritual awesomeness. In fact, the service was called either The Catalyst or just Catalyst. I don't know. The potential was there, I guess, the first few minutes, but somehow God was sucked out of the room..if He was ever there in the first place. If I'm honest, it was almost like He was standing outside peeking in to see if the place was worth His time, decided it wasn't, and then decided not to step in after all. It was quite disappointing...

Years back, my husband, kids and I used to attend this special event that happened I believe once or twice a month called The Encounter. Good Lord it was a miracle if I didn't bawl at some point in the service. The earnest desire of the people there to feel or  hear something from God was so clear every.single.time...God never failed to show up. Even my kids were touched by these services, raising their hands unprovoked by humans, if not falling to their knees in worship. It was a beautiful thing. I miss those experiences.

I think if there is even one heart in a room crying out for God to show up, He will. The mistake we humans make, however, is in paying too much attention to how insincere everyone else around us appears, thereby forfeiting the opportunity to get a touch from God ourselves. There was something so shallow and rehearsed and fake and just not right about the whole service that I spent way too much time dwelling on it, and lost focus. That was my bad.

I'm questioning whether this church is really for us. This place is like walking into an H&M or Forever 21. Ninety percent of the membership is young-looking and oh so fashionable. To be fair, though, they actually do a lot of great work for the community and have lots of groups to engage in and are a giving church as a whole. The pastor is likable and funny and he has delivered some pretty good messages, too. I'm just not 100% certain that the spiritual nourishment I crave can be found there. I'll have to pray on this of course...

 

Until next time, Stay Blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

Finding My Way 5/30/18

So, after closing my Facebook account a mere week or so ago, I decided to create another one as a means to connect with friends and future readers of this blog. Listen, I haven't thought it all the way through. I swear these changes are just happening without much thought at all. It's as if I'm being guided into doing stuff without realizing that I'm being guided. I don't know what I'm doing or where this is going but for the time being, I'm being led to write and promote my writing.

Writing was my passion for years before I stopped. I even used to write poems...(I still can't believe I did that, but it's true). Before I was typing them, I was handwriting them, as early as sixth grade. I'd started writing in diaries at around seven or eight years old. It was my preferred means of expressing myself because I felt like I didn't have a voice. Writing is a part of my identity that I'd clearly forgotten all about for years...and I'm not even sure how that happened.

When I'd look at my old poems or even old love letters I'd written to an imaginary man - yes, an imaginary man I called "future husband," - I'm reminded that I was mad corny. I'm still mad corny. There is something almost theatrical about the way I write sometimes. There is a side of me that is super dramatic and flamboyant and...corny. I wonder how many times I can fit the word, "corny" into this paragraph...hmm...corny :)

Maybe the right word for it is, "quirky." I have weird little quirks about me that I've tried to suppress for years. Is it weird to admit that for years I've felt like I've been existing and not really living?  I've spent a lot of years caring about what others think about me, and therefore, trying to remain as invisible and "normal" as I possibly could - but you know what? Normal is boring. It's not me. I may not be for everyone but if I'm going to live a full life, I can't continue to suppress my personality.

I'm weird and proud of it dang it!

I don't think it's a coincidence that this is all coming about as I've renewed my commitment to spending more time with God. I've been extremely neglectful in that relationship and I'm not happy about it. I need to know Him better because there are times when I'm just not sure Who He is to me, and that's not OK because there was a time when I was 100 percent sure. That's my fault. In spending more time in His Word, I know He will reveal Himself to me, and in so doing, will reveal me to myself, too. I mean, how could He not? He created me in the first place!

Until next time, stay blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

Floss Gloss Lean & Colores De Carol Camellia 5/29/18

Today, I have on the most lovely purple polish from a brand called Floss Gloss called Lean. It is such a girly bright purple with quite a bit of pink to it and I just adore it. I bought it in early 2016 along with four other polishes from Live Love Polish, and this is my first time wearing any of the polishes from that order. (Although, I'm not 100 percent sure I've not worn the Picture Polish called Merge...I know for sure my daughter has, but I'm not sure if I have...hmm...). The formula on Lean was phenomenal! You'd expect polish in such a small bottle to be a bit of a pain to apply - but nope! It applied perfectly, evenly, and almost completely opaquely in one coat, though I threw on a second for good measure. I want this baby to last!

On some nails I also have a single thin coat of Colores De Carol's Camellia, which is a beautiful holographic topper with multichrome flakes. It's my favorite thing to put on top of just about anything. As beautiful as Lean is, I couldn't see myself wearing her as a full mani without a little something extra to spice it up. It's not the polish's fault, but my weird skin tone. In general, I'm not a fan of manicures that only feature one creme polish. I do have some exceptions, like, bright colors, dusty colors, and especially off white polishes like Coconut Milk from KL Polish or beautiful nude colors like Gray-T Escape from Sally Hansen Complete Salon Manicure, which are so clean and beautiful on their own that I often can't bring myself to distract from them, particularly on days when a fresh, clean look is preferred. However, Camellia on top of any of those polishes is also pretty darn stunning.

Isn't that a sweet mani? Even with my newly-shortened nails, it looks beautifully girly and just all-around yum.

I hope you enjoyed this short and sweet nail-polish-related post!

Until next time, Stay Blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

Non-Entertainment & Weight Loss...Apparently...5/24/18

I'm suffering in silence over here at my desk. I can barely keep my eyes open. What I NEED to have happen is to still be this sleepy when I get home. That way I can just clean up and crawl into bed and sleep long and hard until 5:00 a.m. the next day.

I keep starting and then changing my mind about watching something on Prime Video. I'm so disinterested in just about everything right now. I have zero videos left on my YT watch list, too...I ended up deleting a lot of them without watching because I changed my mind about being interested...Why do I keep trying to entertain myself when I just cannot be entertained at the moment?

I had to unsubscribe from a vegan Youtuber today after watching a video featuring cheap (as in, inexpensive) meals. The bowls of the cheap "servings" were like five inches in diameter and two inches deep. Of course those servings are cheap. And who can eat that little and be satisfied? She's also mad fake. I just can't with her anymore.

Boy, am I cranky today or what?!?! Baby needs a nap.

I've been feeling extra fat and heavy and gross lately and have been hating what I've been seeing in the mirror. It's been like this for at least a month if not longer. Yet, my plant-based son hugged me last week and commented on how "slim" I was getting. Later on in the day, I overheard him saying to his non-plant-based brother, "Mom is looking healthier than I've ever seen her look in her life!"

My coworker commented two weeks ago that my weight was really coming down. I quickly responded: "Lies! I'm actually gaining weight." Because that is how I felt.

I started to wonder if maybe my perception and reality were not in alignment. I couldn't find our scale so to prove that I wasn't going crazy, I did something crazy (makes perfect sense!): I pulled out my two pairs of "goal pants." The last several times I pulled them out, I could tell just from putting - excuse me, trying to put - one leg in that it wasn't happening, so I'd just pull my half-calf right back out. Monday, however, something super weird and inexplicable happened: my entire legs slipped into both pairs effortlessly. I had to tug a little bit to bring them to my waist, but I got them up there with nowhere near the effort that it "should" have taken. This is insanely surreal to me.

And yes, several weeks ago I pulled out an olive jacket that I bought in the fall of 2016 that I couldn't wear because it was too small; a jacket that was still too small this past fall and winter, but that, as of this spring, I've been wearing...but still. And yes, there are some shirts I have around the house that used to be somewhat fitting but that I now seem to swim in, but still.

Y'all don't understand: I don't see how this is possible. When I look in the mirror, I don't see progress. I often don't feel it either; meaning, I'm still super self conscious and want to cover up everything all of the time. If it weren't for the clothes, I wouldn't believe it. It still doesn't make sense that they look like that on me, though...I don't see the connection. I'm more likely to believe that the clothes were stretched out than I am to believe that I'm actually getting smaller.

I've been eating what I want, when I want, in the amount I want...and have even strayed from strictly vegan food...yet somehow, my body is still shrinking. How is that?

Is something wrong with me?

Until next time, Stay Blessed.

XOXOXO - Jess