Uninspired Trash Person

Uninspired.

Usually, when I hear that word, it's from the mouths of creators lacking inspiration to create, or from critics referencing something already created.  The word popped into my head today and it hit me that it had nothing to do with creating anything.  I mean, how could it be, right?  I'm literally creating a blog post right now.

Sometimes, I think that deep down, I'm really just a trash person who by the grace of God alone has bursts of inspiration to not behave like a trash person on most days.  Today is not one of those days.

You see, I get into these funks sometimes.  They don't happen often at all.  In fact, I can't quite recall the last time I had one.  When I'm in one, however, I don't feel like doing anything: talking, touching or being touched, smiling, or being nice at ALL.  It'd really benefit the planet if I'd just go away and hide in a hotel room for the duration of the funk.  Alone.  In total silence.  And just BE funky by my dang self.  Thankfully, these funks don't last long - and believe it or not, they don't always happen right before "that time of the month."  Coincidentally, however, this one is happening close to that time.

When I'm feeling like this, it takes so much more effort for me to open my mouth to speak at all, let alone to speak kindly.  So much extra mental will to do something that's necessary for the benefit of another person's well-being - and I ain't got a lot of mental will to spare in the first place, ya feel me?  Hmm...am I being unfair to myself?  Would a trash person even bother using what little mental will she has to do something necessary to help someone else, which, by the way, I did twice today for two different people?  Ehh.  Whatevs.

There's something inside of me, though, I have to admit, that's kind of a bubbly cheerleader...like, all the time.  She comes out against my own will sometimes, particularly when I write.  I could be feeling like total trash, but my fingers always want to include exclamation marks, smiley faces and XOXOXO's in communications, even when my physical and mental states just don't reflect those tendencies at ALL - like, AT ALL!!!  I feel her wanting to come out right now even...what in the world?

I had a new friend tell me last year that I must be an extrovert in email and introvert in person.  Wait, the exact words were, "Yeah. So. Would you say you have a split personality: intro in person. Red carpet diva on keyboard?"  WOW.  I'm afraid she's right. That's exactly right.

I'm going to end this now before I further confuse myself and whoever else is reading this...sigh...

Until next time, be blessed.


XOXOXO - Jess

'member Me? My HAIR!!!

I sure don't.

I've been spending the last few days looking at old YouTube videos of myself to see if I'd be inspired to do them again.  At one time, I had really great natural lighting by a window. Plus, I had a table and an easy setup for filming. I just don't have that now.  I guess I'm not ready yet.

On another note, I'm currently thinking about chopping all of my hair off. I've cut a significant amount of my hair a couple of times in the last five years, but what I'm thinking about now is even more drastic. I'm thinking about going from 22 inches of hair in some areas...

 ...down to ONE.

I haven't had such short hair since sixth grade. I had to cut it all off because I'd spent the entire summer leading up to sixth grade at the pool half of every day and out in the sun the other half. My hair was an actual cotton ball. I ended up with a hair cut that looked like Duckie's in Pretty in Pink LOL!

The only exception is that my hair was cut even closer on the sides. I loved using my fingers to pull down my bangs, too. People made fun of me because I did it all the time. Nobody could convince me that I wasn't cool, though LOL! Hey, this was the 80's, okay?!

Just the thought of how much lower maintenance my hair could be is exciting to me...but then if I hate it, my self esteem could go all the way to zero. Someone suggested to me that I get a short hair wig first, but I don't know. The decent ones cost too much and that will eat into my hair cut budget!

I think I'm going to do it...the only issue is actually finding someone in my area who knows how to cut hair like mine...any takers? :)

That's all I have for now.

Until next time, stay blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

I'm 42 and pregnant! 10/22/18

In the last couple of months, I have dreamed of either being pregnant or having had a child, over a dozen times. Just a few nights ago, I had two entirely separate dreams in one night where both occurred; meaning, in one of the dreams I was pregnant, and even said out loud, "I'm 42 and pregnant!" and in the other, I gave birth to a baby girl prematurely. She initially had a lot of health issues but as the dream progressed, she got healthier and stronger. That dream was the strangest of all of the baby dreams I've ever had because it was the first time that I dreamed of having a baby girl. Every single one of my previous dreams of giving birth involved boys. Even in dreams where I was just seeing babies, the babies were boys...

I've spoken before about recurring dreams, and how they have changed over the years depending on what I had going on at the time. I don't believe recurring dreams are coincidences. I believe they are a reflection of where my life is currently and/or a result of my thinking or feelings. This baby theme, however, I'm having trouble deciphering. I cannot get pregnant now, and, if I'm honest, I don't want to have a baby. So what is this about?

I did say in my last post that my lifestyle has changed quite a bit and it's been consistent for three weeks straight, and that I don't even recognize my new thought pattern regarding this lifestyle. Maybe that's what this is about. Maybe my dreams are trying to tell me about a new beginning in my life. Maybe the baby is finally a girl because it represents me finally coming into my new self. Struggling at first, but getting stronger and healthier. I don't know. It'd be cool if that is the case. How 'bout I just proclaim that to be the case? Yes. Consider it proclaimed :).

My husband and I went to look at model homes yesterday to kill some time during our long wait to get into Milk & Honey in Bowie, MD (total waste of money by the way) and we fell in love with one of the houses. When we were done looking at it, the agent asked what we thought about it and we said we liked it. She said it was a great home for couples of all ages, whether starting a new family or retiring. She said it'd be great for kids to run around in. We both blurted out, "Oh no, we're done! Our kids are 24, 19 and 18!" and her eyes grew into saucers in shock at that statement. She said we looked young, like we didn't even have kids yet. That felt pretty cool :). Did I ever tell y'all that when I first got this job two years ago, one of my new co-workers recognized my husband and me from our morning commute on the MARC train, and that she was shocked to find out my age? She said she thought my husband and I were college students LOL! To be fair, my husband and I dress mad bummy and casual, so...it could just be that :).

Today, I'm wearing a new Finger Paints polish I just bought from Sally's yesterday (buy two get one free) as well as a KBShimmer topper that I love with all my heart.

Finger Paints Cosmic Chaos & KBShimmer Take It Or Leaf It
Indoors - office lighting

Finger Paints Cosmic Chaos & KBShimmer Take It Or Leaf It
Indoors - with flash

Cosmic Chaos is way more holographic in the bottle than on the nail as you can see in the flash photo. I'm not happy about that, but it does look good under Take It Or Leaf It. I want to try the topper over a royal blue or a lighter squishier purple in the near future. We'll see.

That's all I have for now...

Until next time, be blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess