Thursday, October 18, 2018

Dreams & Other Stuff 10/18/18

When you have nothing to write about but you decide to write anyway...

I had a dream a couple of nights ago that my sister was going to kill me. I've never had a dream like that before - correction: I've had plenty of dreams where someone was trying to chase me down and kill me, but never a sibling. She led me down to this pit in the ground, told me that what was about to happen was going to help me, and told me to lie down. She then proceeded to cut my face - but then she stopped, apologized over and over, and I asked her, "Wait, were you about to KILL ME?!?!" She responded that she was, but couldn't go through with it, and then she ran away crying. I got up and was left with my mouth open, in shock, holding my gashed face, not believing what just happened. Not understanding how I didn't even resist her attempt to kill me. Super weird. 

Several years ago, I dreamed that I killed someone and and hid his body in a dumpster. The whole dream, I felt deep fear and dread at being found out. I was sick to my stomach the entire time and even woke up feeling ill. I have no idea why I killed him either. The dream felt so realistic. I have had a tendency to hold onto guilt for even the small not-great things I've done. I'd be a certifiable mess if I ever killed someone. There's no way I could survive that. I'd have to turn myself in or off myself.

Well that went downhill fast...

I'm 19 days into a new lifestyle change. They say it takes 21 days to make something a habit. Let's see if that's true. I haven't been recognizing some of my thinking recently since beginning the lifestyle. I've been saying things like, "Who even ARE you?" to myself...and it's interesting...

I'm wearing a really lovely polish from Different Dimension called Fortune Favours The Brave. It's SO fall. I also added KBShimmer Take It Or Leaf It to my ring finger. I can't wait to play with this topper some more. 

Different Dimension Fortune Favours The Brave/KBShimmer Take It Or Leaf It

Different Dimension Fortune Favours The Brave/KBShimmer Take It Or Leaf It
Ain't they yummy together? I know.

Lastly, I have to mention two IG accounts that have brought me much happiness lately. One is: TonyBakerComedy, and the other, IAmDulo, is a very new discovery, thanks to my son, Jay Rojas, who absolutely loves to laugh just like his mama :). I Am Dulo does also does what Tony Baker does but with a super heavy Nigerian accent LOL! I love it so much! If you love animal voice-over videos, these guys are the best! 

That is all I have for now.

Until next time, be blessed!


Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Confessions Of A Polishaholic

I've been avoiding writing...on purpose...

So, I'd been doing really well with not purchasing polish for a while there...and then my birthday came so...I bought a few things...and then a few more things here and there days after my birthday. I think I'm done now...

I've made a wish list of polishes that I would like to have but that I'm resisting purchasing. I keep the list in its own tab on my Excel workbook of polishes. This is what's on it as of today:


I've been purposely avoiding the majority of the indie polish world because I'm sure if I didn't, this list would be so much longer. I even have a dear friend going to Polish Con this year who has offered to shop for me, but I legit have zero idea what will be there and that's a GREAT thing as far as I'm concerned.

I experienced something recently that really disturbed me because I don't remember if I've ever experienced such a thing before, at least not to the extent that I did this time. For some ridiculous reason, I'd decided to check out Polish Pickup last Friday. I usually avoid that place like the plague because it's dangerous (to my wallet). Luckily, I'd only seen two polishes on the whole site that I really liked. As I was checking out, one of the polishes had sold out and I about LOST.MY.DANG.MIND!!! Let me tell you, the pit of dread and upset that sat in my stomach as a result of missing out on that polish was one I literally could not recall ever having in association with a nail polish before, and it concerned me. I was so utterly pi&&ed that I almost didn't buy the other polish. I was literally physically sickened by missing out...

I revisited the site and watched the listing go from "Sold Out/Unavailable" to "Coming Soon!" and hope sprang anew. I reached out to a friend about this and she said it was not likely that the polish would return because PPU has a rule about "capped" polishes becoming "uncapped" later. I scouted the PPU group to see if anyone was saying anything about it, but saw nothing. Sigh. My hope was crushed and I barely made it through the rest of my day without feeling totally bummed...

When I woke up the next morning, I noticed a message from a dear polish friend on Facebook telling me that the polish was back!!! Before I even responded to her with my gratitude, I went to the site and picked up TWO bottles! I was so incredibly happy! I, of course, profusely thanked her for letting me know. She was so sweet, too, saying that she didn't want to enable me or anything, but that she'd noticed my post in the group that I'd missed out and she thought I'd like to know. If it weren't for her, I never would have thought to go back to the site after being told that there was no way it could come back. I was really trying to put the thing out of my mind! 

Look, I've gotten excited about finally possessing a polish I've wanted, but to feel the kind of anger and disappointment and regret I felt at missing out on that polish was unprecedented. I remember being upset when I missed out on New England Escape from Colores De Carol last year (which I ended up getting later on), but that was a different kind of upset. It was an upset borne of "injustice." I was new to PPU at the time and didn't think it was right or fair to allow the concept of "capped" polishes on a site that was open for four days to give people the chance to shop at their leisure (in my mind). I was a lil' indignant in my ignorance, too. I'm embarrassed about that. This time, I wasn't even mad at PPU or the maker or anything. I was mad at MYSELF for my indecision, for scouting the pages of the site two and three times after adding my items to "make sure" there was nothing else I wanted - and for some reason, I always freakin' forget to read the entire listing to see what's capped and what isn't. Even after the drama of New England Escape, I still forgot. Sigh. 

Anyway, the experience has renewed my resolve to avoid PPU in the coming months. I can't deal with that drama again. And I need to return to my commitment to improving my financial health. I've doubled my monthly deposit into my investment account and am optimistic about the future. 

My dear polish friend and I also had a discussion about the ups and downs of what really boils down to polish addiction - and make no mistake, it IS an addiction. 
  • When you know you should stop buying it because you'll likely never wear what you're about to purchase for months if not years to come, if EVER, but you still buy it: you're addicted. 
  • When 50 to 75 percent (if not more) of the balance on your credit cards is due to polish spending, and/or you max out your card(s) on polish: you're addicted.
  • When you have unpaid debt or bills, but delay putting money toward them to instead buy polish: you're addicted. 
  • When you've already got hundreds if not thousands of polishes in your collection and you've yet to wear 50 to 75 percent of them (if not more), and yet you buy even more: you're addicted.
  • When you can't buy food or medicine or clothes because you've spent all of your money on polish: you're addicted.
  • When you purposely plan ahead of time to forgo food, medicine, clothes, whatever to buy polish: you're addicted.
  • When your emotions are actually affected by your inability to buy new polish on credit or cash (depressed, angry, feeling like you're missing out), the ability to buy, and/or the act of buying new polish (excited, anxious, heart-racing, etc.): you're addicted.
She mentioned that there should be a support group for it and that she'd join if it existed, but I had to wonder: what would really be the point? 

Unlike alcoholism and drug addiction, this kind of addiction is not only celebrated, but also fully supported and even encouraged - and certainly never stigmatized. You might be judged by some people for having hundreds if not thousands of bottles of polish, but how many people ever say, "Wow, how much of your (or your husband's) money did you waste on all of that nail polish?" Not many. In fact, polish hoarding and overbuying is almost "cute" in polish collectors' circles. Things like, "Oops, I might have gotten a little carried away this shopping trip!" accompany pictures of a shopping cart with a dozen polishes totaling over $100. Or, "Just take all my money!" is the response when a new collection releases. All responded to with things like,"The struggle is real LOL!" Or, "I think I got you beat this time around!" Or, "You're so lucky!" Or, "You/I NEEEED this polish!" Or whatever. I know this because I've said such things. All cutesy and excited and saying I feel bad but not feeling bad at all. Feeling that rush of excitement and anticipation at getting new pretties drowns out the regret and shame that would surely follow if I really took a second to consider what that money could have been saved for instead. 

It's easier to ignore the truth of the damage I've done, too, when I avoid looking at the credit card statement, avoid taking an actual account of the dollar figure attributed solely to polish spending. I've shared on YT my experience with discovering that I'd spent nearly $1,000 on nail polish in a month without even blinking. I was utterly disgusted by, and deeply ashamed of my irresponsibility. And yet weeks later, I was at it again. Off and on the polish wagon I'd go, month after month, year after year since 2011. 

Something I quickly discovered after slowing down on polish buying is that the money saved is often not saved at all - but rerouted to something else. There's this weird attraction to the act of spending that finds its way back in now and then, leading me back down the path of fiscal irresponsibility. 

Then there's the recent discovery about a person I was following on YT for tips on financial responsibility. I decided to find and follow her on Instagram, too, and became confused by all that I was seeing. The things she was sharing led me to believe that she followed very little if any of the advice she shared on her YT channel (and it irked me). But maybe that's an unfair assessment. Maybe she's just way richer than I am, so she can afford to do what she does without batting an eyelash. Nevertheless, who she was on Instagram was entirely different from how I perceived her to be in her videos. I literally started to resent her...but then I realized the real problem: I was jealous. I've never been jealous of someone's life before, but I was jealous of hers - and I didn't like it. 

Today, I'm in a better overall state of mind with regard to that discovery, and about polish spending - and spending in general - but I could still do way better. I am determined to find the path to success, and believe that I will absolutely find it, with God's help.

Until next time, be blessed!


Friday, August 24, 2018

My Son, Music, Maryland Live!, Mario & Memories

It's been a while, huh?


I realized something this week: since my break from social media, I haven't lusted for polish as much as I used to. I still watch some YouTube videos, but for some reason, they don't trigger me like the IG photos and FB posts about polish did...hmm...

Having said that, there are still a few new polishes I would like from Colores De Carol and Moon Shine Mani. But I'm not chomping at the bit to get at 'em (at full price that is LOL). I wish I could get a birthday code for like 50 percent off or something. That would be nice :).

I've made a drastic change to my diet recently. I don't think I'm ready to talk about it yet, but, it's happening...

I'm currently sipping on cold green tea that my beautiful husband brewed for me last night. It has no sugar in it, but I put in some lime. I think unsweetened green tea with lime is my second favorite beverage next to water with lime. And when I say lime, I mean FRESH-SQUEEZED lime, not that garbage that comes in a plastic bottle or lime-shaped container. That stuff is gross. I hear lemon water is better for you, so I will be drinking lemon water/tea while at home, but at work, where I spend more time, ya girl is drinking her lime water/tea!

This past Tuesday, I found out when I got home that my son (Jay Rojas Twitter / Jay Rojas Instagram) and his band, Top5 (Top5DC Twitter / Top5DC Instagram) were going to be at Maryland Live! Casino for a birthday bash concert - my SON'S birthday! I'm usually way too tired after work, but this Tuesday, I had plenty of energy and was ready to go! And OH.MY.GAWSH!!! I had an AMAZING time! The music was every kind of nostalgic and wonderful and so much fun! There was also a special guest appearance by David Correy (David Correy Twitter / David Correy Instagram), whose voice is absolutely AMAZING! My son had flown to LA to play the guitar for one of David's gigs, or a studio session - I don't remember - a few months back and he was so appreciative, that he decided to honor my son with his presence, and sang a couple of songs.

I also met Mario's (Mario on Twitter) brother, DJ, and his father, Derryl, who introduced me to his daughter, AB (I believe her name is April, but that's how he refers to her :)) who is also pursuing a music career. He was extremely fun and social. Here are some crazy facts:

  • Derryl used to work for UPS and my husband REMEMBERED him from his route in his parents neighborhood when he was a teenager! He used to wave at him while playing basketball! Crazy!!
  • The song, "You Should Let Me Love You," by Mario was the very first song my husband Jay and I ever danced to together, and, I consider it a kind of "theme song" to our early relationship.
  • My son has played the guitar for Mario.

I loved to hear all of the positive things people had to say about my son; David, Derryl, DJ and AB all had great things to say about how goodhearted and supportive my son is, and his band mates really celebrated him, too.

It was such a joy, as a mom, to witness all of that celebration in honor of my son. It made me think about the fact that I've loved and wanted that boy since the second I found out he was cooking in my belly. I was 17 and still in high school but I didn't care! Not one day did I ever regret conceiving, carrying and giving birth to that boy. Not ONE! I walked across that stage at graduation exactly two months before he was born, grateful not to be a dropout or failure, like most teenage girls tend to be when pregnant. He was loved so hard by all of us: ME, my mom, his dad's mom, my sister, brother, their friends - shoot, ANYONE who met my boy LOVED him! Not everyone can say they had that kind of start in life...he was and is truly blessed. I hope he knows that!

And it's no wonder he has such a love of music. Music was my LIFE back then. I was a school-choir girl; music stayed in my ear all day every day. I listened to it at home, in cars, didn't matter. I loved music. Now, though? I can do without it most days. I think it's been this way since probably my early 30's. Not sure what changed. What's funny is that at about the same time, my son was just about coming into his interest in, and tapping into his secret talent for, the guitar. He is 100 percent self-taught, too, and it just blows me away...

Anyway, it was an exciting evening! I got maybe one hour of sleep that night and still got to work on time the next morning:).

Other tidbits:

  • Work has been busy-busy-busy!
  • I'll be 42 in five days (8/29).
  • I am still deciding what to buy myself for my birthday - if I buy myself anything at all this's usually polish or a purse (and sometimes both LOL!) but we'll see :). 

I think you're all caught up now!

Until next time, be blessed!

XOXOXO -  Jess