Monday, October 22, 2018

I'm 42 and pregnant! 10/22/18

In the last couple of months, I have dreamed of either being pregnant or having had a child, over a dozen times. Just a few nights ago, I had two entirely separate dreams in one night where both occurred; meaning, in one of the dreams I was pregnant, and even said out loud, "I'm 42 and pregnant!" and in the other, I gave birth to a baby girl prematurely. She initially had a lot of health issues but as the dream progressed, she got healthier and stronger. That dream was the strangest of all of the baby dreams I've ever had because it was the first time that I dreamed of having a baby girl. Every single one of my previous dreams of giving birth involved boys. Even in dreams where I was just seeing babies, the babies were boys...

I've spoken before about recurring dreams, and how they have changed over the years depending on what I had going on at the time. I don't believe recurring dreams are coincidences. I believe they are a reflection of where my life is currently and/or a result of my thinking or feelings. This baby theme, however, I'm having trouble deciphering. I cannot get pregnant now, and, if I'm honest, I don't want to have a baby. So what is this about?

I did say in my last post that my lifestyle has changed quite a bit and it's been consistent for three weeks straight, and that I don't even recognize my new thought pattern regarding this lifestyle. Maybe that's what this is about. Maybe my dreams are trying to tell me about a new beginning in my life. Maybe the baby is finally a girl because it represents me finally coming into my new self. Struggling at first, but getting stronger and healthier. I don't know. It'd be cool if that is the case. How 'bout I just proclaim that to be the case? Yes. Consider it proclaimed :).

My husband and I went to look at model homes yesterday to kill some time during our long wait to get into Milk & Honey in Bowie, MD (total waste of money by the way) and we fell in love with one of the houses. When we were done looking at it, the agent asked what we thought about it and we said we liked it. She said it was a great home for couples of all ages, whether starting a new family or retiring. She said it'd be great for kids to run around in. We both blurted out, "Oh no, we're done! Our kids are 24, 19 and 18!" and her eyes grew into saucers in shock at that statement. She said we looked young, like we didn't even have kids yet. That felt pretty cool :). Did I ever tell y'all that when I first got this job two years ago, one of my new co-workers recognized my husband and me from our morning commute on the MARC train, and that she was shocked to find out my age? She said she thought my husband and I were college students LOL! To be fair, my husband and I dress mad bummy and casual, so...it could just be that :).

Today, I'm wearing a new Finger Paints polish I just bought from Sally's yesterday (buy two get one free) as well as a KBShimmer topper that I love with all my heart.

Finger Paints Cosmic Chaos & KBShimmer Take It Or Leaf It
Indoors - office lighting
Finger Paints Cosmic Chaos & KBShimmer Take It Or Leaf It
Indoors - with flash
Cosmic Chaos is way more holographic in the bottle than on the nail as you can see in the flash photo. I'm not happy about that, but it does look good under Take It Or Leaf It. I want to try the topper over a royal blue or a lighter squishier purple in the near future. We'll see.

That's all I have for now...

Until next time, be blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess






Thursday, October 18, 2018

Dreams & Other Stuff 10/18/18

When you have nothing to write about but you decide to write anyway...

I had a dream a couple of nights ago that my sister was going to kill me. I've never had a dream like that before - correction: I've had plenty of dreams where someone was trying to chase me down and kill me, but never a sibling. She led me down to this pit in the ground, told me that what was about to happen was going to help me, and told me to lie down. She then proceeded to cut my face - but then she stopped, apologized over and over, and I asked her, "Wait, were you about to KILL ME?!?!" She responded that she was, but couldn't go through with it, and then she ran away crying. I got up and was left with my mouth open, in shock, holding my gashed face, not believing what just happened. Not understanding how I didn't even resist her attempt to kill me. Super weird. 

Several years ago, I dreamed that I killed someone and and hid his body in a dumpster. The whole dream, I felt deep fear and dread at being found out. I was sick to my stomach the entire time and even woke up feeling ill. I have no idea why I killed him either. The dream felt so realistic. I have had a tendency to hold onto guilt for even the small not-great things I've done. I'd be a certifiable mess if I ever killed someone. There's no way I could survive that. I'd have to turn myself in or off myself.

Well that went downhill fast...

I'm 19 days into a new lifestyle change. They say it takes 21 days to make something a habit. Let's see if that's true. I haven't been recognizing some of my thinking recently since beginning the lifestyle. I've been saying things like, "Who even ARE you?" to myself...and it's interesting...

I'm wearing a really lovely polish from Different Dimension called Fortune Favours The Brave. It's SO fall. I also added KBShimmer Take It Or Leaf It to my ring finger. I can't wait to play with this topper some more. 

Different Dimension Fortune Favours The Brave/KBShimmer Take It Or Leaf It

Different Dimension Fortune Favours The Brave/KBShimmer Take It Or Leaf It
Ain't they yummy together? I know.

Lastly, I have to mention two IG accounts that have brought me much happiness lately. One is: TonyBakerComedy, and the other, IAmDulo, is a very new discovery, thanks to my son, Jay Rojas, who absolutely loves to laugh just like his mama :). I Am Dulo does also does what Tony Baker does but with a super heavy Nigerian accent LOL! I love it so much! If you love animal voice-over videos, these guys are the best! 

That is all I have for now.

Until next time, be blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Confessions Of A Polishaholic

I've been avoiding writing...on purpose...

So, I'd been doing really well with not purchasing polish for a while there...and then my birthday came so...I bought a few things...and then a few more things here and there days after my birthday. I think I'm done now...

I've made a wish list of polishes that I would like to have but that I'm resisting purchasing. I keep the list in its own tab on my Excel workbook of polishes. This is what's on it as of today:

CHINA GLAZE     AUT-UMN, I NEED THAT
CHINA GLAZE     CENTRAL PARKA
CHINA GLAZE     MUSTARD THE COURAGE
CHINA GLAZE     PAY IT FASHION FORWARD
MOON SHINE MANI        1-800-DRUIDIA
MOON SHINE MANI        HELLO, MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA
MOON SHINE MANI        MAGNI BRONZEBEARD
MOON SHINE MANI        MOLTEN CORE
MOON SHINE MANI        MORE COWBELL
MOON SHINE MANI        SO FREAKIN' EXCITED!
MOON SHINE MANI        TRUE LOVE
MOON SHINE MANI        WHO ORDERED ALL VEGETABLES?
NINE ZERO          ARMOS
NINE ZERO          ASTRAL
NINE ZERO          BLUEBERRY ACAI
NINE ZERO          DRAGONFRUIT FREEZE
NINE ZERO          KIWI CRUSH
NINE ZERO          NEBULA
NINE ZERO          OCTOROK
NINE ZERO          PEAHAT
NINE ZERO          PINEAPPLE PUNCH
NINE ZERO          POMEGRANATE REFRESHER
NINE ZERO          ROBIN'S EGG
NINE ZERO          SWAMP THING

I've been purposely avoiding the majority of the indie polish world because I'm sure if I didn't, this list would be so much longer. I even have a dear friend going to Polish Con this year who has offered to shop for me, but I legit have zero idea what will be there and that's a GREAT thing as far as I'm concerned.

I experienced something recently that really disturbed me because I don't remember if I've ever experienced such a thing before, at least not to the extent that I did this time. For some ridiculous reason, I'd decided to check out Polish Pickup last Friday. I usually avoid that place like the plague because it's dangerous (to my wallet). Luckily, I'd only seen two polishes on the whole site that I really liked. As I was checking out, one of the polishes had sold out and I about LOST.MY.DANG.MIND!!! Let me tell you, the pit of dread and upset that sat in my stomach as a result of missing out on that polish was one I literally could not recall ever having in association with a nail polish before, and it concerned me. I was so utterly pi&&ed that I almost didn't buy the other polish. I was literally physically sickened by missing out...

I revisited the site and watched the listing go from "Sold Out/Unavailable" to "Coming Soon!" and hope sprang anew. I reached out to a friend about this and she said it was not likely that the polish would return because PPU has a rule about "capped" polishes becoming "uncapped" later. I scouted the PPU group to see if anyone was saying anything about it, but saw nothing. Sigh. My hope was crushed and I barely made it through the rest of my day without feeling totally bummed...

When I woke up the next morning, I noticed a message from a dear polish friend on Facebook telling me that the polish was back!!! Before I even responded to her with my gratitude, I went to the site and picked up TWO bottles! I was so incredibly happy! I, of course, profusely thanked her for letting me know. She was so sweet, too, saying that she didn't want to enable me or anything, but that she'd noticed my post in the group that I'd missed out and she thought I'd like to know. If it weren't for her, I never would have thought to go back to the site after being told that there was no way it could come back. I was really trying to put the thing out of my mind! 

Look, I've gotten excited about finally possessing a polish I've wanted, but to feel the kind of anger and disappointment and regret I felt at missing out on that polish was unprecedented. I remember being upset when I missed out on New England Escape from Colores De Carol last year (which I ended up getting later on), but that was a different kind of upset. It was an upset borne of "injustice." I was new to PPU at the time and didn't think it was right or fair to allow the concept of "capped" polishes on a site that was open for four days to give people the chance to shop at their leisure (in my mind). I was a lil' indignant in my ignorance, too. I'm embarrassed about that. This time, I wasn't even mad at PPU or the maker or anything. I was mad at MYSELF for my indecision, for scouting the pages of the site two and three times after adding my items to "make sure" there was nothing else I wanted - and for some reason, I always freakin' forget to read the entire listing to see what's capped and what isn't. Even after the drama of New England Escape, I still forgot. Sigh. 

Anyway, the experience has renewed my resolve to avoid PPU in the coming months. I can't deal with that drama again. And I need to return to my commitment to improving my financial health. I've doubled my monthly deposit into my investment account and am optimistic about the future. 

My dear polish friend and I also had a discussion about the ups and downs of what really boils down to polish addiction - and make no mistake, it IS an addiction. 
  • When you know you should stop buying it because you'll likely never wear what you're about to purchase for months if not years to come, if EVER, but you still buy it: you're addicted. 
  • When 50 to 75 percent (if not more) of the balance on your credit cards is due to polish spending, and/or you max out your card(s) on polish: you're addicted.
  • When you have unpaid debt or bills, but delay putting money toward them to instead buy polish: you're addicted. 
  • When you've already got hundreds if not thousands of polishes in your collection and you've yet to wear 50 to 75 percent of them (if not more), and yet you buy even more: you're addicted.
  • When you can't buy food or medicine or clothes because you've spent all of your money on polish: you're addicted.
  • When you purposely plan ahead of time to forgo food, medicine, clothes, whatever to buy polish: you're addicted.
  • When your emotions are actually affected by your inability to buy new polish on credit or cash (depressed, angry, feeling like you're missing out), the ability to buy, and/or the act of buying new polish (excited, anxious, heart-racing, etc.): you're addicted.
She mentioned that there should be a support group for it and that she'd join if it existed, but I had to wonder: what would really be the point? 

Unlike alcoholism and drug addiction, this kind of addiction is not only celebrated, but also fully supported and even encouraged - and certainly never stigmatized. You might be judged by some people for having hundreds if not thousands of bottles of polish, but how many people ever say, "Wow, how much of your (or your husband's) money did you waste on all of that nail polish?" Not many. In fact, polish hoarding and overbuying is almost "cute" in polish collectors' circles. Things like, "Oops, I might have gotten a little carried away this shopping trip!" accompany pictures of a shopping cart with a dozen polishes totaling over $100. Or, "Just take all my money!" is the response when a new collection releases. All responded to with things like,"The struggle is real LOL!" Or, "I think I got you beat this time around!" Or, "You're so lucky!" Or, "You/I NEEEED this polish!" Or whatever. I know this because I've said such things. All cutesy and excited and saying I feel bad but not feeling bad at all. Feeling that rush of excitement and anticipation at getting new pretties drowns out the regret and shame that would surely follow if I really took a second to consider what that money could have been saved for instead. 

It's easier to ignore the truth of the damage I've done, too, when I avoid looking at the credit card statement, avoid taking an actual account of the dollar figure attributed solely to polish spending. I've shared on YT my experience with discovering that I'd spent nearly $1,000 on nail polish in a month without even blinking. I was utterly disgusted by, and deeply ashamed of my irresponsibility. And yet weeks later, I was at it again. Off and on the polish wagon I'd go, month after month, year after year since 2011. 

Something I quickly discovered after slowing down on polish buying is that the money saved is often not saved at all - but rerouted to something else. There's this weird attraction to the act of spending that finds its way back in now and then, leading me back down the path of fiscal irresponsibility. 

Then there's the recent discovery about a person I was following on YT for tips on financial responsibility. I decided to find and follow her on Instagram, too, and became confused by all that I was seeing. The things she was sharing led me to believe that she followed very little if any of the advice she shared on her YT channel (and it irked me). But maybe that's an unfair assessment. Maybe she's just way richer than I am, so she can afford to do what she does without batting an eyelash. Nevertheless, who she was on Instagram was entirely different from how I perceived her to be in her videos. I literally started to resent her...but then I realized the real problem: I was jealous. I've never been jealous of someone's life before, but I was jealous of hers - and I didn't like it. 

Today, I'm in a better overall state of mind with regard to that discovery, and about polish spending - and spending in general - but I could still do way better. I am determined to find the path to success, and believe that I will absolutely find it, with God's help.

Until next time, be blessed!

XOXOXO - Jess