Seeing Where This Takes Me...4/19/18

Why do I even still own this blog? I haven't written in it in forever...

The name of it is misleading, too. It sort of implies that I'll take what I put on Youtube into this blog. However, I have no idea what I intend to do with it yet...

I feel rusty...just thinking back on how passionate I once was about writing makes me a little bit sad. It used to flow out of me so effortlessly. I used to have really strong opinions and felt bold and brave enough to share them, however deluded they might have been. Oh man, I used to be so incredibly passionate and expressive and often, so wrong!

Opinionated. That 'twas I. What made me think that anyone wanted to know what I thought anyway? That is, if I ever even thought about that. It's more than likely that I didn't care whether or not anyone wanted to know what I thought - I shared it anyway...what's the quote? Wait, it's a scripture: Proverbs 29:20 Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

That was me. Very hasty in my words. No thinking, just talking - more like reacting immediately to whatever was before me with no time taken to absorb it. I still struggle with that in day to day life. I'm learning to do better when I get an email or other written correspondence. If it irritates me or makes me feel defensive, it's a clear sign that I need to take a breather before I respond. That's progress, I guess. If only I could be so diligent in taking a beat before responding when in conversation.

Here's the problem with that: I don't think I'm very good at conversation in general. It might be rooted in the fact that I'm antisocial. This goes way deeper than your run of the mill introverted personality, which I am. I also have a strong distaste for social interaction. Sure, there may be moments when I somehow transform into a friendly, social Chatty Cathy, but those moments are extremely few and far between - and they catch me off guard when they happen. I don't even recognize myself when I'm like that. I exaggerate not when I say it feels like an out of body experience. Perhaps it's an alter ego, my personal "Sasha Fierce," without the fierce....

It hit me recently while attempting to sound normal in a back and forth conversation that I'm awkward. So, so awkward. I don't know how to keep small talk going to make the person I'm talking to feel like I'm interested in what they have to say. Mostly cuz I don't want to know. I want the talking to end. As soon as humanly possible. I prefer to be silent and invisible and not be forced to talk to anyone. Does that make me a bad person?

And yet...I could engage almost endlessly in written word. I feel like the person I am in written word is more genuine and true than the person I am when in social situations. Does that make sense? It's like I can't get past being awkward to really engage openly. It's more comfortable and much easier to be completely open and vulnerable and engaging behind a computer screen. There's no awkwardness or fear of judgement or rejection or embarrassment...just people using their fingers to share their hearts with each other. Ok, that sounded weird. But you know what I mean, right?

I sincerely feel like I'm two people. The physical me is aloof, awkward, blah. The emotional, spiritual, inner me is warm, compassionate, loving, giving, empathetic, engaging, sympathetic, affectionate, interested. It's the me I'd be if I felt free...oh my goodness...am I a prisoner of myself?

I have some things to think about.

Until next time, be blessed.

XOXOXO - Jess