I had trouble getting any sleep last night, yet somehow I was able to fit a short dream in...
My mom was in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery. When I got to her room she looked anxious and tense, her eyes bulging. She kept saying she needed to get home over and over again. I told her she couldn't go home yet because she couldn't be alone while in recovery. She kept insisting that she'd be fine, that she just needed to be home. I sat next to her and tried to calm her down, took her hand and asked her what was going on, and what was the urgency? She finally calmed down a bit and said to me, "I didn't want to tell you that I'm having withdrawal symptoms. I'm sorry." I immediately tried to comfort her and tell her she had nothing to be ashamed of, that it was probably due to the treatments and surgery she underwent, but then it hit me: what I'd just said didn't make any sense - and neither did what she said, at least not to me - and then suddenly I perceived the faintest odor of cigarette smoke. When these thoughts occurred and I smelled the odor, I wasn't quite looking at my mom - but then I did, and then my eyes started to bulge. "You're SMOKING again?! After all of this, you're SMOKING again?!"
Then I woke up.
So much of this dream, I'm sure, is influenced by my waking life because - and, I haven't shared this with you yet - my mom just had a bilateral mastectomy after undergoing several months of intense chemotherapy. She is now cancer free and recovering from the surgery she had just last week. She used to be a smoker, but as far as I know, she hasn't smoked in years.
I've had so many dreams as an adult where I've confronted my mom about hiding bad behavior from me - it's so funny that I have repeated dreams of my mom hiding bad behavior from me LOL! Like I'm her mother or something. Anyway, it's usually the same two things she does in these dreams: 1. She gets back together with my abusive alcoholic stepfather (she left him when I was 16 and was officially divorced about two years later. I'm about to be 42 next month, yet, the most recent occurrence of this dream happened just weeks ago). And 2. She starts smoking again.
I guess of all of the things my mom has done in her life, those are the two things I judged her the hardest about. She was an alcoholic, too, but, I was so much younger when that was a real thing, and, it didn't affect or haunt me like her relationship choices and her smoking did. See, the guy she dated and lived with after my stepfather was also an abusive alcoholic. She's remained relatively single for most of her life after that second loser was deported, but she's had little guy friends here and there...and every single one of them sent up mucho red flags that she'd ignore until absolutely impossible to do so any longer.
As for her smoking, well, I blamed her smoking for my nearly losing one of my sons due to repeated respiratory infections, and for my having to move out on my own way sooner than I was ready to, at 23 with two kids that I desperately wanted to keep alive.
From reading the last sentence it might sound like I resent my mom or something, but I actually don't. I mean, I did, yeah, for years, but then I got saved so...😊 It really was for the best that I moved out when I did, or I may not have been able to figure out how to live independently. And, I haven't had any real beef with my mom since my late 20's. I wholeheartedly forgave her.
So that's it for me. If you care to share, I'd love to know if you have any recurring dreams yourself, and if you've figured out what they might be saying about your subconscious thoughts and whatnots :).
Until next time, be blessed!
XOXOXO - Jess
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