Thursday, May 24, 2018

Non-Entertainment & Weight Loss...Apparently...5/24/18

I'm suffering in silence over here at my desk. I can barely keep my eyes open. What I NEED to have happen is to still be this sleepy when I get home. That way I can just clean up and crawl into bed and sleep long and hard until 5:00 a.m. the next day.

I keep starting and then changing my mind about watching something on Prime Video. I'm so disinterested in just about everything right now. I have zero videos left on my YT watch list, too...I ended up deleting a lot of them without watching because I changed my mind about being interested...Why do I keep trying to entertain myself when I just cannot be entertained at the moment?

I had to unsubscribe from a vegan Youtuber today after watching a video featuring cheap (as in, inexpensive) meals. The bowls of the cheap "servings" were like five inches in diameter and two inches deep. Of course those servings are cheap. And who can eat that little and be satisfied? She's also mad fake. I just can't with her anymore.

Boy, am I cranky today or what?!?! Baby needs a nap.

I've been feeling extra fat and heavy and gross lately and have been hating what I've been seeing in the mirror. It's been like this for at least a month if not longer. Yet, my plant-based son hugged me last week and commented on how "slim" I was getting. Later on in the day, I overheard him saying to his non-plant-based brother, "Mom is looking healthier than I've ever seen her look in her life!"

My coworker commented two weeks ago that my weight was really coming down. I quickly responded: "Lies! I'm actually gaining weight." Because that is how I felt.

I started to wonder if maybe my perception and reality were not in alignment. I couldn't find our scale so to prove that I wasn't going crazy, I did something crazy (makes perfect sense!): I pulled out my two pairs of "goal pants." The last several times I pulled them out, I could tell just from putting - excuse me, trying to put - one leg in that it wasn't happening, so I'd just pull my half-calf right back out. Monday, however, something super weird and inexplicable happened: my entire legs slipped into both pairs effortlessly. I had to tug a little bit to bring them to my waist, but I got them up there with nowhere near the effort that it "should" have taken. This is insanely surreal to me.

And yes, several weeks ago I pulled out an olive jacket that I bought in the fall of 2016 that I couldn't wear because it was too small; a jacket that was still too small this past fall and winter, but that, as of this spring, I've been wearing...but still. And yes, there are some shirts I have around the house that used to be somewhat fitting but that I now seem to swim in, but still.

Y'all don't understand: I don't see how this is possible. When I look in the mirror, I don't see progress. I often don't feel it either; meaning, I'm still super self conscious and want to cover up everything all of the time. If it weren't for the clothes, I wouldn't believe it. It still doesn't make sense that they look like that on me, though...I don't see the connection. I'm more likely to believe that the clothes were stretched out than I am to believe that I'm actually getting smaller.

I've been eating what I want, when I want, in the amount I want...and have even strayed from strictly vegan food...yet somehow, my body is still shrinking. How is that?

Is something wrong with me?

Until next time, Stay Blessed.

XOXOXO - Jess






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