My sons and I were out swimming, at night. The moon was bright in the sky as was the light coming from the sandy shore, but the waters still looked quite dark. There was a wooden standalone pier not terribly far from the shore where the boys and I had stopped for a short break before heading back. From the shore, a woman sitting in a high lifeguard chair was watching and guiding us, ready to warn us if any scary creatures were nearby (the area was prone to small sharks). She could somehow see everything above and under the water from a screen she had in front of her. When she cleared us to start making our way back, Noah, my youngest son, started complaining that his arm hurt too much to swim. He was little, or at least talking like he was very little, like four, but in the dream he was actually eight. I asked him if he wanted me to pull him to shore and he shook his head no, but still complained that he couldn't swim on his own. I thought it was weird that he'd keep complaining about his arm but wouldn't let me pull him to safety. I kept trying to think of how I was going to get him to shore if he didn't want me to take him, and I started to panic. Someone ahead must have noticed our situation because all of a sudden, a little boat came toward us to pick him up, and a guy from inside the boat pulled Noah in. I let them and the guide ahead know that I still wanted to swim back - I don't remember if Jaylen swam back or got in the boat with Noah - and I did.
When we got home, Noah, again talking like a little toddler, said something to the effect that Jaylen must have forgotten my birthday because he planned to go out with his friends and was taking Noah with him. He seemed to be "tattling" on his brother, trying to make him look bad for forgetting my birthday, saying "I can't believe he forgot your birthday mom, and now he wants to take me with him!" Jaylen walked in and overheard him, and I could see that he was upset. I was sad about it because I knew it meant that he probably wouldn't take Noah with him, and if he did, he'd be mean to him. I then found myself almost chastising Noah for talking like a baby. I said he needed to stop talking that way because he was a, "Big boy now. You don't need to talk that way anymore, Noah, you're a big boy. You're mommy's big boy now."
That's all I remember...
This dream was interesting to me because I've been thinking a lot about my Noah lately. When I talked about regrets in my previous post, and how I let them affect me now, they all have to do with Noah. I'm about to reveal my entire behind now when I say this, but, I wish I was a better mother to him. I feel like I cut him off from my affections too soon, and I dealt with him too harshly. I feel like he needed me just a little bit longer than I allowed him to cling to me, and that the distance hurt him. If I think about it too much, it still makes me cry.
Noah was very advanced in his development growing up, physically and intellectually. He spoke very clearly and maturely from a very young age and was an extremely advanced reader, too. His comprehension was out of this world amazing for his age. He was very independent and could spend hours outside with his brother making friends in the neighborhood, but he'd always take little breaks from his play to come inside and cuddle with me. Hours and hours the boys would play outside and Noah was the only one who'd come in every couple hours to "check in," sit with me, hug me, tell me he loved me and then go back out.
He, and sometimes Jaylen, too, would sneak into bed with me in the middle of the night. I absolutely loved having the boys sleep with me. I'm sure that's normal for a single non-dating mom. We had an open door policy in my home. They could come in and out of my room whenever they pleased without knocking. They never had to ask for anything they wanted out of the pantry or fridge. They basically did whatever they wanted and I let them...
When we moved to Maryland, however, things changed. Jason was now in my life and boundaries had to be set. I wasn't living with Jason, but he kind of became a father figure to the boys and things changed dramatically. Apparently, my parenting style was a bit too...nonexistent? to him. There basically were no rules or limitations in my house before Jason came along, and now there were plenty. They could no longer come in and out as they pleased, mostly out of fear, because I wasn't sure it was as safe out there for them as it was in Virginia. Also, the open door policy to my room changed; they now had to knock. And the sneaking in to sleep with me also had to stop.
Don't get me wrong, I did discipline my kids. Maybe too much - and maybe that's why I found it so easy to make things easy for them when I wasn't disciplining them. I guess it was my way of making up for how sternly I'd deal when them when I had to...I don't know.
Anyway, like I said before, the regret comes from my kind of limiting Noah's access to me so soon, and for punishing him too harshly when he was out of line. He spoke and behaved so maturely but deep down, he was still a baby who needed his mommy. He needed the extra cuddles he got at night, or so I'd like to think and therefore beat myself up about...
But what if this dream is trying to tell me something? What if it's saying it was never up to me to "save" my currently-struggling Noah, who I'm always wishing I could save; that even though he may come to me with his pain or troubles, it's not up to me to make that pain or trouble go away? What if, in fact, Noah never wanted or expected that from me in the first place? Is God reminding me through this dream that Noah's troubles were and will always be resolved, but in His way, and in His time, and I'm just there to love and listen when Noah calls, not to fix?
After all, Noah is my big boy now. His true Guide, Father, Mother and Friend is with him. He's going to be - no, he's ALREADY - okay.
Amen.
Until next time, Stay Blessed!
XOXOXO - Jess
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